Behind my toddler's big blue eyes and cotton wool hair lives a diva, and I don't use this word lightly.
Occasionally Lila fools me into believing she has left the divahood behind her and is starting a newly reformed existence.
Until I cut her toast into triangles.
"You moronic human! I only eat triangle toast on Tuesdays. I want my wellies on! Do I look like someone who eats triangle shaped toast?! Don't look at me! Where has my TRIANGLE toast gone to?!"
I can tell that those are the words she is processing, call it a mother's intuition. What comes out of her mouth is a protest of such high decibels that our 'rotund' cavapoo has long assumed that ToddlerMonster is his leader.
Let's face it, Lila just can't find the staff these days. I pander to her whims based on a battle to battle evaluation; The bottom line being how prepared I am to deal with a mini-person literally melting onto the carpet. My once sweet, sweet baby creates a no-go radius of several meters as she kicks out in her latest protest against my inability to deliver a 'diva-standard' service.
I'm now fairly certain that there is a market for toddler-tantrums. Think about it - those political rallies, and staged sit-ins are a perfect opportunity to cash in. Throw a toddler into the mix with the wrong shaped toast and you my friend will have the protest from hell on your hands, and decisions overthrown left, right and centre.
Now we all know that Mariah has got herself a little bit of a diva rep. From dressing room climates, red carpet requests, culinary requirements so specific they make counting calories appear positively dark aged, Mariah is without doubt the world's No.1 Diva.
Until my toddler came along.
Here are 20 reasons this week that ToddlerMonster has out diva'd Mariah with splendid Hollywood style tantrums.
1) The toast thing. You got that though - loud n clear.
2) I didn't let her examine the poopoo in her nappy post blow-out.
3) The blanket I covered her up with whilst she watched a pint sized YouTube star open their Christmas presents - for the 58th time, wasn't quite covering her left foot.
4) The bath wasn't filling up fast enough.
5) I offered her a Custard Cream with the corner missing.
6) She tried to call for extra staff from the house phone and the police turned up.
7) She wanted pink juice in the Lego cup. NOT the Spider-Man cup. *Tips it out and gives her juice in updated preference of Lego cup* "I said I want the Spider-man cup".
8) She washed her hands. And they got wet.
9) Madam wanted to use my Santaku knife during our Play-Doh Bake-off session.
10) I said 'Good Morning' before she was ready.
11) She can no longer fit into the oven part of the toy kitchen.
12) 'Baby' Annabel wouldn't sing to her. No amount of explaining 'Baby' Annabel's limitations made this OK.
13) Ketchup is red not blue. This is not acceptable - I know this from my walls.
14) It was her sister's birthday and not her own.
15) Climbing the stairs is not on her agenda: ever.
16) Finishing the packet of Percy Pigs - OK, she had a point with this one.
17) The pain au chocolat was delivered to her too hot. "I said warm Mum, WARM. Not hot and not cold" Yes, she who cannot usually string a sentence managed to make that perfectly clear.
18) The sun was in her eyes. She didn't open them for the duration of that car journey. Her mouth however...
19) I gave her dinner.
20) Murray refused to learn her dance routine: Murray is the dog.