The UK EU Referendum: WTF Just Happened?!

01/07/2016 11:45 | Updated 01 July 2016

The British EU Referendum Remain campaign team are in the process of digesting their strategy to work out why having Tony Blair and Gordon Brown on their side didn't appear to work.

"We still can't quite understand why their involvement didn't seem to manifest in cold hard votes," said Remain Head of Strategy, Mr Noah Idea. "Oasis are mega popular. Oasis like Blair. So where are our freakin' Xs? And what about John Major? He was our bloody trump card!"

Leave Head of Strategy, Mr Chance Victory, said he feels the Remain side missed a golden opportunity: "We couldn't believe our luck when Blair and Brown were wheeled out as IN supporters. We thought for sure their team would tell them to say they were 'Vote Leave'. We also thought it was Christmas when David Cameron said that house prices would fall by 18% in the event of a Brexit. Talk about handing it to us on an EU-shaped platter!"

The BBC's Electoral Commentator, Ms Tally Margin, said Mr Cameron's 12-seat majority in the 2015 election seemed to go to his rather large head: "A lot has changed since the General Election. Now that Nick Clegg has gone, the nation is one whipping boy down. And we all know how much Cameron loves to drop his pants in order to gain approval from others. People were lining up at polling booths around the nation to give him 17,410,742 glorious lashes for letting the invisible immigrants take their non-existent jobs."

Since Mr Cameron's resignation, streams of Kylie Minogue's 1990 single 'Better The Devil You Know' have increased by 3,500% on Spotify, with Mrs Iona Strike from the Rail, Maritime and Transport Union (RMT) admitting that she almost missed the cheeky little pig f*cker: "My brain is hurting because of the complex range of human emotions I've felt since he resigned. It's like they've put a fox hunter in a blender and I'm not sure how I feel about it."

Key Leave campaigner, Boris Johnson, appeared surprised by the referendum's result. Picking up the gong for 'Opportunist of the Year' at the National Freebooter Awards, Mr Johnson said: "I believe we now have a glorious opportunity - we can pass our laws and set our taxes entirely to the needs of the UK economy. Well... when I say the UK, I mean England. And possibly Wales... but probably not. Scotland and Northern Ireland have gone on a gap year to Brussels to gorge themselves silly on moules frites, waffles, chocolate and beer, and we're not sure if they'll be back."

Elsewhere, there's been alarm from Leave voters about the surprising effectiveness of the electoral system. On the BBC referendum coverage, Adam, from Manchester explained: "I'm shocked. I voted Leave but I didn't think my vote would count."*

Another Leave voter, Mona Moner, 68, from Clacton-on-Sea explained she voted OUT as a protest vote against the recent Tory austerity cuts: "David Cameron is a first class Etonian bellend. I knew the only way to teach him a lesson for cutting my benefits and sending me into poverty was to purposely vote to crash the goddamn economy. We really showed him, didn't we?!"

Electoral analysts have spoken about how the usual key voter issue of 'the economy' was overtaken by 'immigration', with Leave voters verbalising their main priority was to 'take my country back'. Hedda Nuff, 65, of Bexley in London, who came to the UK from Egypt 45 years ago, said: "I voted Leave because I don't want all those Turks coming over, taking our jobs and living on our benefits."*

Remain voter, Ms Crystal Clarity, said in response: "When even the immigrants are voting Leave, there's obviously something gone seriously wrong with the messages being received. I saw a turkey interviewed on Sky News earlier today. He was saying how much he loved Christmas."

The response to the referendum result has been overwhelmingly positively received by the other 27 EU member states, with German Chancellor Angela Merkel saying she's "absolutely delighted" to receive the huge f*ck off two fingered salute from the UK: "We can't wait to start negotiating their leave conditions with them. Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha."

Meanwhile, we tried to reach Jeremy Corbyn for his views on the vote, but he was nowhere to be found.

*The asterixed quotes in this article are 100% genuine.

This post first appeared on Maddie Sinclair's website The Indeparent - a new spoof news platform for parents. For more satirical and tongue-in-cheek news for parents, follow The Indeparent on Facebook and Twitter.