THE BLOG

How to Improve Your Life Pre and Post Divorce

30/12/2013 13:32 GMT | Updated 27/02/2014 10:59 GMT

Going through divorce takes it's toll, I can attest to that! I thought the process would never end and that I would never be able to get away and live my life on my own.

I had all the doubts that come with being in an uncertain situation. I was afraid of making mistakes, of making the wrong decisions, losing control of my emotions, trying to be civil to my ex, especially in front of the children, and I lost sight of who I was.

I found the fear of making mistakes to be so overwhelming, and I thought that those mistakes were going to affect me for evermore. That was very scary. I found the way to stop it being so overwhelming was to get professional help. I used the services of a solicitor I could trust. It is important for you to surround yourself with professionals whose expertise you trust and respect - and also that you can afford. I know it will make such a difference to you.

Decision making became a chore. I was frequently asked to make decisions. That too was very worrying. But what is it I was worrying about? The unknown of course. Make sure you get all the facts; analyse those facts; make a decision - then ACT on that decision. I know then you will get unstuck and move forward.

Being in control of emotions is very important. I found that nobody wanted to hear me talk incessantly about my ex. But I did need to talk to someone to let out all that rage and anger. I tried to limit those listeners to a few very good friends and a few family members I trusted. Be aware of who you are talking to, the checkout assistant in the supermarket really doesn't want to know just what a horrible idiot your ex-husband is!

I know how difficult it is to remember who you are in the divorce process. Try and make sure your priority is you. No matter how well or badly your divorce goes, even in the very worst divorces, there will be a time for you to heal and accept. It is definitely preferable to do all you can to maintain a civil relationship with your ex. For a time you will feel all the emotions that go with a fight. Once that fight is over, let go of the bitterness, because if you don't, it will only be you who will suffer.

I was very angry at first and it really didn't do me any good at all. Choose not to be angry, after all being angry is a choice. There are many reasons to hold onto anger and refuse to let it go. There are some people who become addicted to anger. Anger gives a false sense of power and strength. However, the real strength comes from having the ability to recognise the false rush anger brings and to have the power of stepping back and seeing the whole situation for what it really is. Real power helps you to respond with clarity and compassion.

Going through divorce I was a mum, an ex wife, a sister, a daughter and a huge number of other descriptions. But where was I? I was lost, but I made the effort to find me again. It's vital for you to remember that you are so much more than a newly single woman or a mother. You are a strong woman, a worker, a friend, a volunteer - there are so many facets to you. You need to weave these facets into your definition of yourself.

Follow these steps and you won't become an angry ex wife who has lost her identity and spends all her days telling supermarket staff how bad her life is. You will be in control, able to make decisions that are right for you and will avoid making mistakes.

Do you want to remain stuck and miserable? If your answer is no, seek professional help with a qualified coach.