So caught up in planning and working that I have forgotten how to appreciate the simple things in life.
I have forgotten how to appreciate a sunset or how to appreciate a smile on a stranger's face. I have forgotten how the feeling of finding an old favourite song. It is 6am and I haven't slept a wink, stress and fear of the unknown is burying me six feet down into a pit of nothingness.
I have forgotten the beauty in nature. To appreciate long walks home in the dark winter afternoons. I have forgotten the beauty of the orange leaf stricken wind that claps against the window pane. Everything feels strange, almost like being in a limbo between reality and dream. The bitter taste of unsweetened coffee hits the back of my throat and brings me to 8am. I rush to prepare for a day ahead that I would much rather skip or sleep through.
As we brace the day we tell ourselves to be positive, and spread the message to others. In reality we are all just temperamental beings and there is no certainty in the amount of positive or negative emotion we will resonate.
Experiencescan teach us a lot about both ourselves and others. It can show us emotions we deemed inconceivable. Life is full of it and those who tell you that you are 'inexperienced' are awfully wrong. You have experienced your own set of experiences unique to just you. No one can take that away from you.
I am learning to trust myself and believe in my instincts when my own mind and gut is warning me to stay away from certain people or situations. I am done with trying to 'save' people because I have learnt that no one can truly save you until you have saved yourself.
This is not me declaring my lack of trust in the human form but more me saying I am now extra careful with who I regard as a friend. One piece of advice I can give to you is to not be mesmerised by things without logical thought. They may look like a glitter coated bear full of sweetness but there may be an underlying agenda. This should not mean you should overthink and question all your relationships but if there is indication that someone is unhealthy for you then do this: walk away. There is no shame in walking away. You are not a coward, in fact you are the bigger person for doing so. Accept that all humans have faults including yourself, but you my dear friend are a work in progress. You are allowed to have faults but the greatest thing you can do is conquer them and improve yourself as a person. That all takes time, which you should remember to give yourself too.
I have come to grow as a person from my experiences these past few months and I am a firm believer that age should not be a hindrance in the level of experience you have emotionally. Sometimes you can learn from being slightly emotionally immature but there is a fine line between people that never change and remain immature and those who develop into emotionally understanding individuals. However, we should not run towards the path now of lambasting those who lack emotional intelligence because everyone grows at different rates.
Sometimes you just need a pair of headphones, a quiet room, and a deep breath. Close your eyes and focus on the lyrics and let yourself go for a moment. It could be that you are constantly thrown reminders of a negative experience but remember you have to power to see what youwant to see.
Stop apologising for being your good self. If you are happy and loved by many except from that one person who criticises you for an issue practically non-existent then the odds are they are wrong. No matter what you will find people that care for you and if they already are there for you then show them you appreciate them more because it does hurt them too when you put yourself through unnecessary stress and emotional trauma over people that have their own self-interest at heart. No company is better than bad company. But also remember it is okay to miss those who have wronged you. Even if you part with something or someone you are allowed to feel positive emotion towards them. Often it is usually good memories you miss and not everything in-between.
Remember that you are important. Remember when you have forgotten how to live that living is something you do even whilst forgetting to, and sometimes you just have to stop and appreciate the world that surrounds you.
I hope both you and I read this in a few years and realise we learnt how to live in our own ways. I hope we learn more every day and I hope memories that we made become (in time) something we come to treasure rather than despise.