Marc Paterson

Entries by Marc Paterson

News Punch Christmas Special 2014

(0) Comments | Posted 18 December 2014 | (15:04)

Christmas is coming, like the relentless wave of immigrants that UKIP keep threatening us about, and News Punch is back with a festive special! So drink and be merry, the way Nigel Farage does every single working day.

We all love a Christmas dinner, but it is a cruel fate...

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News Punch: Nestle, Star Wars, Pheasants and Paxo

(0) Comments | Posted 1 May 2014 | (19:58)

Nestle Thinks Water Should Be Privatised

Chocoholics are the first to react:

Whoo hooo! Milky Bar on tap!!! Bring it on. @FemmeDomestique

Religious leaders are appalled after it's learned that...

Nestle are exploring charging Jesus back-rent for walking on it. @BadScentsHumour

Once super-villains catch wind that...

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News Punch: G7, Police Shredding and Marijuana Highways

(0) Comments | Posted 27 March 2014 | (21:29)

There's a big freeze on the horizon. No, not the weather! The G7 countries have sat Vladimir Putin in the naughty corner and haven't invited him to their party because he's playing pick and mix with Eastern Europe.

G7 Give Putin the Cold Shoulder

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News Punch: The Pythons, The Police and Some Prophylactics

(0) Comments | Posted 21 November 2013 | (22:09)

It's been a week of reunions and revelations this week. The first team to get back together to relive the tomfoolery of their past is G4S.

G4S to Man Gates at Glasgow Games

@benjaminpmoore: while a proper security firm will be hired to look...

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News Punch: Orwellian Dystopia Homesick Blues

(1) Comments | Posted 14 November 2013 | (22:10)

Quite a week for Orwellian Dystopia fans. News Punch is SCARED! Jedward and the stars of TOWIE should be terrified as...

Theresa May to criminalise, 'being annoying'

@benjaminpmoore: ...selflessly risking life imprisonment

There is outrage on Facebook as it come to light that...


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News Punch: Honey, Crack and Super Mario

(0) Comments | Posted 8 November 2013 | (14:27)

News Punch has changed and now covers the week in lunacy. And where more appropriate a place to start than with Facebook?

This week the Uber-Spy website came under the spotlight over it's choice to track the mouse movements of its users.

Facebook is tracking your points and...

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News Punch: Bake Off, Baldness and Ferguson's Bio

(1) Comments | Posted 24 October 2013 | (15:57)

Aah, baking. A thoroughly British sport. If things like baking, card making and tutting at queue jumpers were allowed in the Olympics well... Anyway in honour of the winner of the Great British Bake-Off, News Punch has written an ode.

Bake Off win for Francis Quinn...

She takes...

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News Punch: Murray, Morrissey, Morgan

(0) Comments | Posted 18 October 2013 | (22:45)

Piers Morgan has come under fire from the American Gun Lobbyists. His shoot from the hip style has earned him critics from people who think arming school teachers is a sane and rational policy. In fact...

American Gun Lobbyists Want Piers Morgan deported...

@Diversion50: he's...

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News Punch: Raining Diamonds - Branson's Island

(0) Comments | Posted 15 October 2013 | (21:18)

If the divide between rich and poor needed to be brought sharply into focus any more than it already is, then Richard Branson feeling hard done by about receiving criticism over his Virgin Island home maybe, possibly being a tax haven - which it isn't, because he told...

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News Punch: Bridget Jones' Del Boy

(0) Comments | Posted 10 October 2013 | (20:52)

Sometimes a story comes along that just screams out to be given the News Punch treatment and a cock up at the printers which led to copies of the new Bridget Jones novel, Mad About the Boy being peppered with anecdotes from David Jason's biography, My Life is...

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News Punch: New York Pumpkin Theft / Geldof Says The World Is Ending

(0) Comments | Posted 8 October 2013 | (15:44)

October, millions of us are trying to quit smoking, Peter Higgs has won the Nobel Prize for Physics and Halloween is just around the corner, as are the getaway cars of New York thieves who stole six hundred pumpkins from a farm. Well make the most of your...

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News Punch: Tobacco Free Ireland. Putin for the Nobel Prize?

(4) Comments | Posted 4 October 2013 | (23:04)

Which of these two things is most likely to happen? Ireland becoming tobacco free by 2025 or bear wrestling, jet fighter piloting, Middle East weapons selling Vladimir Putin winning the Nobel Prize for Peace? Let's hope it's the former.

With all the political conference backslapping eating up...

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News Punch: Tory Party Conference

(0) Comments | Posted 2 October 2013 | (15:06)

The conference season is nearly over, thank God! All UK news feeds are clogged and clotted with, well... clots. Each party declaring they can turn our fortunes around while each of their leaders roll around in their fortunes, probably naked, certainly with a soundtrack of wailing hungry kids and striking...

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News Punch: Now With Added Sketches - Miliband and Prince Harry in Oz

(0) Comments | Posted 26 September 2013 | (07:37)

Punchline Challenge started as a bit of fun on Twitter and it remains so, but the response to it has prompted me to develop it further so this week I added a sketch challenge element, not knowing how well it would go or if indeed it would go at all.

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Punchline Challenge: Godfrey Bloom Likes His Women

(2) Comments | Posted 21 September 2013 | (00:02)

This whole thing exploded into life on news feeds and social media and any damage limitation that UKIP have feebly attempted to make is too little too late. If you don't know the story, Godfrey Bloom made a mockery of the party, which is quite a feat considering...

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Punchline Challenge: Jeremy Clarkson Entering Politics

(0) Comments | Posted 19 September 2013 | (15:12)

Last week was an undisputed success for Punchline Challenge. People really gave it their all; the humour, the message they conveyed, all came together in a wonderful post. This week, Jeremy Clarkson comes under the critical eye of my band of Punchliners as he revealed via Twitter that he was...

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Punchline Challenge: Cameron Wants to 'Set the Royal Mail Free'

(0) Comments | Posted 14 September 2013 | (22:51)

It seems the latest institution to fall under the Government's gavel in the Great Austerity Auction is to be our beloved Royal Mail. The refund for George Osborne's faulty calculator clearly won't cover the shortfall for his budgetary balls-up so the Post Office is being broken up and sold off...

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Punchline Challenge: German Voters Can Download a Merkel App

(1) Comments | Posted 12 September 2013 | (23:08)

This week I set the people of Twitter a more topical challenge. Angela Merkel's campaign team have produced an augmented reality app that makes the coalition party appear to be doing more for Germany than it actually is. That's a joke, but the app is real and so,...

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Punchline Challenge: Twitter Steps Up and Delivers

(0) Comments | Posted 6 September 2013 | (20:58)

Last week I set my followers a challenge to write a set-up to this punchline:

"It's a drop-in centre"

What began as a whim turned out to be pretty successful, so much so that I thought I'd gather the entries for a post and, even more exciting, I'd make it...

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Doctor Whoopla: The New Who's Who?

(0) Comments | Posted 2 August 2013 | (17:28)

So this Sunday the Hypermen are invading our television screens with a live reveal of the new Doctor Who, hosted by Zoe Ball and I along with everyone else are speculating as to who will be who. It's likely to be a who's who of celebrities too, all being asked...

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