News Punch Christmas Special 2014

19/12/2014 02:09 GMT | Updated 17/02/2015 10:59 GMT

Christmas is coming, like the relentless wave of immigrants that UKIP keep threatening us about, and News Punch is back with a festive special! So drink and be merry, the way Nigel Farage does every single working day.

We all love a Christmas dinner, but it is a cruel fate for many a bird. Brian May of Queen has lashed out at Oxfordshire's Jack FM for their, 'keep it or cook it' poll involving the destiny of two turkeys. News Punch finds it interesting that a man with a dead badger wig on his head denounces cock culling & fails to see the irony.@Charisma_Effect

Anyway Here's Brian May's guide to a cruelty free Christmas:

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Photo credit: Rachael Towne / Foter / CC BY-NC

Contributers: @Charisma_Effect (1)(2) , @AndyGilder, (1)(2) and @Funk_Pump

THIS JUST IN: Queen to release a version of the Twelve Days of Christmas

They're hoping to take on Simon Cowell for the number one spot.

We here at News Punch have gained an exclusive leaked copy of the lyrics. (That's fully leaked, not with all the important bits redacted, like the CIA report) Here it is!

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Contributed by: @SquellWalsh (1)(2)

Christmas is all about giving. And what better gift could Richard Desmond give UKIP this year than £300,000 and a national mouthpiece in the form of the Daily Express? This mutual backslapping could lead to Mr. Desmond getting what he's always wanted: peerage in the House of Lords, so expect headlines like these for the coming election next year:

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Photo credit: slaup / Foter / CC BY-NC

Contributors: @Charisma_Effect, @AndyGilder (1)(2), @Individual35837

Lily Allen has caused a storm among Christians by opening her recent concert in a manger. There was shock as Lily Allen showed her 'Mary' live on-stage. @BadScentsHumour.

It's a promotional stunt to drum up interest in her experimental Christmas album. We have been granted exclusive access to the artwork and tracklisting:

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Title: @Charisma_Effect

Tracklisting:

1. I Saw Daddy Doing E with Santa Claus........................(@AndyGilder)

2. As long as I got Yule..............................................................(@Chuuew)

3. Santa is Coming Soon and I Think it's Really Mean..........(@KenArmstrong1)

4. Somewhere Only We Ho Ho Ho.................................(@Gaz_Cordery)

5. O Little town of LDN...............................................(@Gaz_Cordery)

6. A Bae In A Manger.................................................(@Charisma_Effect)

7. Naivety...............................................................(@Rejunevated)

8. Virgin On Heresy...................................................(@DubiousGenius)

9. Away With Ya, Minger!...........................................(@GI1970)

Photo credit: id-iom / Foter / CC BY-NC

Photo credit: rubyblossom. / Decor Love / CC BY-NC

Merry Christmas from News Punch!

*Some tweets may be edited. You can view the original tweets by clicking on the @ names.