Nestle Thinks Water Should Be Privatised
Chocoholics are the first to react:
Whoo hooo! Milky Bar on tap!!! Bring it on. @FemmeDomestique
Religious leaders are appalled after it's learned that...
Nestle are exploring charging Jesus back-rent for walking on it. @BadScentsHumour
Once super-villains catch wind that the essential ingredients for life on Earth are up for grabs...
Murdoch mounts a takeover bid for air. @BadScentsHumour
The Financial Times goes with the headline "H2Whoa!" @AndyGilder
It will only help the 'well' off... @JesuisKK
Sewer companies insist that...
Toilets will have to be made pay-per-pooh @benjaminpmoore
But they're only taking the piss. @karenjeynes
The caption contest winner this week is @GI1970 with:
Photo credit: csztova / Foter / Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)
Never mind all the people queuing at food banks, spare a thought for the richest in society, who have to shoot their dinner out of the sky. Thankfully our caring government has subsidised the use of shotguns so those elite few can gun down birds in the countryside.
Taxes Subsidise Trigger Happy Toffs
Grouse demand Brian May writes a protest song on their behalf. @AndyGilder
The opposition gather its ammunition. @BadScentsHumour
Toffs told: Quit Your Grousing @brycoo
The Disney Empire Strikes
The new Star Wars movie revealed its cast this week. Speculation about the franchise is unceasing. In a bid to uncover more secrets, News Punch managed to throw a Dictaphone through an open window to record this historic meeting:
Photo credit: BagoGames / Foter / Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)
JJ ABRAMS: Greetings everyone and may the force be with you. As you know with any project of this nature we always throw some red herrings out there for the fans and the title is no exception. The project is currently called, 'Cloverfield 2: Electric Boogaloo'. This is a brainstorming session to come up with a viable official title. Let's open proceedings. Ken?
@KenArmstong1: 'Star Wars Episode...' um...
@GarethHeskett: Vll, Ken. It's not going to turn out to be Xl. Definitely Vll. Unless you count The Clone Wars Then it's Episode XVl. All clear?
JJ ABRAMS: Ok, let's just agree that it's seven. Though not Se7en. That's a totally different film. Ben what have you got?
@benjaminpmoore: 'The empire gets bored.'
JJ ABRAMS: Ok...
@benjaminpmoore: 'Star wars VII: make it stop'?
JJ ABRAMS: Er...
@benjaminpmoore: 'The Quest for cash'.
JJ ABRAMS: I'm liking the enthusiasm, but that's about all.
@AndyGilder: 'Star Wars Episode VII: The Mos Eisley By-Election'.
JJ ABRAMS: Maybe for the DVD extras...
@BadScentsHumour: 'The Clone Bores'!
JJ ABRAMS: It doesn't quite say, 'blockbuster' to me.
@benjaminpmoore: 'Star wars VII: a new cast'.
JJ AMBRAMS: The literal approach, I get it.
@dantrobus: 'The Diminishing Returns Of The Jedi'.
JJ ABRAMS: I think we're losing sight of what we're trying to achieve here. We need a title that captures the spirit of the old movies, and hints at the passing of the torch to a new young, dynamic cast.
@FemmeDomestique: 'Three Zimmers and A Catheter Bag'.
JJ ABRAMS: No.
@FemmeDomestique: Revenge of the Revengers Revengers who Revenged'.
JJ ABRAMS: STOP!
EVERYONE FALLS SILENT.
JJ ABRAMS: Dubious Genius, surely with a name like that you can deliver the title we need to make this thing fly. Hit me!
@DubiousGenius: 'Star Wars Episode VII: Backache Strikes the Empire'.
JJ ABRAMS: Again!
@DubiousGenius: 'Return of the Gout'.
JJ ABRAMS: Again!
@DubiousGenius: 'Star Wars Episode VII: Chewy's Dentures'.
JJ ABRAMS: Ok stop.
THE I.T. GUY ENTERS TO FIX THE PROJECTOR
JJ ABRAMS: You! Throw me a title! Go!
@MCGibbo007: Erm... 'Too Hoth To Handle'?
JJ ABRAMS: Perfect! You're hired.
Paxman Waves Goodbye to Newsnight
Politicians rejoice as the completion of their counselling sessions are finally cut short. @BadScentsHumour
Jeremy Paxman waves goodbye to Newsnight with a 2 fingered salute. @trudytruffles
Ladbrookes take bets on whether or not the veteran interviewer was off to pursue a career in feng shui. @DubiousGenius
However there is no truth in the rumours circulating on social media sites that he is leaving to devote more time to eating pills and chasing ghosts. @AndyGilder
Paxman says although it's farewell to grilling politicians and Union bosses, its hello to interrogating his family over dinner. @mattfishwick
Russell Brand begins prep to take over. First an, 'itty bitty interview with David Cammy-ron'. And a nation weeps. @Charisma_Effect
More News Punch soon.
*Some tweets have been edited. Original tweets can be viewed by clicking the @ names.Suggest a correction