Which of these two things is most likely to happen? Ireland becoming tobacco free by 2025 or bear wrestling, jet fighter piloting, Middle East weapons selling Vladimir Putin winning the Nobel Prize for Peace? Let's hope it's the former.
With all the political conference backslapping eating up the limelight last week the Putin story almost went under the News Punch radar. Almost. We were on it quicker than you can say Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti. So put your arms in the air like you just don't care which tyrannical regime is buying them! It's punchline time.
First to Ireland. The Emerald Isle has announced its intention to be smoke free by 2025. Upon reading this I immediately lit up. With enthusiasm, come on! It's Stoptober!
Ireland plan to make tobacco a thing of the past...
@FemmeDomestique: Soldiers with sniffer dogs will patrol and spot search teenagers to ensure they're not part of a cigarette making organisation.
Smoking won't be made illegal despite the rumours that the government are...
@Matt_Seccull: ...creating a penal colony for smokers on Craggy island.
@FemmeDomestique: ...everyone will be encouraged to smoke haddock instead.
Prime Minister Enda Kenny was unavailable for comment but his secretary did tell us of the plans to make tobacco less appealing to the general public included:
@GI1970: ...rebranding it as 'Satan's pubes.'
When asked if...
@FemmeDomestique: ...Leprechauns will be expected to sit on mushrooms with soap bubble pipes...
she put the phone down. Our researcher has since been sacked.
BREAKING NEWS: VLADIMIR PUTIN IS GIVING HIS NOBEL PRIZE WINNING SPEECH:
PUTIN: Firstly, bad luck to my fellow nominees Joseph Kony, Robert Mugabe and Bashar al-Assad.
I accept this prize on behalf of mother Russia first, the world second and I hope to see an end to the gay, er grey days, of the past. (SOTTO) we'll censor that slip of the tongue out, eh! (WINKS). What? We cannot censor?!
PUTIN rips his shirt off and begins wrestling with the camera crew.
More News Punch soon.
*Some tweets have been edited to fit the article or to correct errors etc. The original tweets can be viewed by clicking on the @ names or the numbered links in the case of sketches.