I'm about to lose my sh*t. There has been so much going on in our lives these past few weeks that I feel like I'm going to explode. I need relief. I need some quiet. I need the noise to stop.
Yesterday, my mom threw my fiancé and I our bridal shower. This wasn't a normal shower by most people's standards. It was at a banquet hall, super fancy, 6 course meal, 93 people. Fancy isn't my thing; I prefer simple, casual, unplanned, and relaxed. I did not enjoy being on display for hours while donning a dress that, though beautiful, felt like a costume to me. The only thing that made me feel somewhat myself was that I managed to turn my sports bra into a strapless bra under my glamorous dress. Despite that though, I still felt anxious and pretty f*cking uncomfortable. On the outside, most people wouldn't know it, but inside I was barely holding it together. My fiancé and I had to open every single present in front of everyone while narrating the process on the microphone. I know how boring it can be to be a guest having to witness this ridiculously long process, so I felt the need to keep talking on the mic; my nervous energy compelled me to spew verbal diarrhea the entire time. Though it seemed most people were entertained by my words since most of what came out of my mouth was unfiltered, inappropriate, and admittedly pretty funny, I still felt intimidated and nervous the entire time. All eyes on me, on us. I screwed up people's names, didn't know some of them as they were friends of my mom, so guilt would ensue in addition to the stage fright, and I would become even more flustered which would further spawn more word vomit.
In addition to the shower, the past few weeks have been compounded with tragic losses of a family member and also our wonderful dog, my mother-in-law having to have two surgeries (she's okay, thank God), family flying in from out of town for our shower, 2 parties for my brother's 30th birthday, and my step kids staying with us since the day before yesterday and remaining with us for this next week. Oh, and wait, I have to do another dress fitting and go for my tasting and write all my thank you cards this week as well...
I realize I may sound like an ungrateful bitch seeing as most of these things, aside from the traumatic losses we've had to endure and the stress of having my fiancé's mom in the hospital, are all wonderful things, and I'm complaining about them. Here's the thing: I just can't deal with too many events happening at once. I become overstimulated, and I shut down. I need space, a breather, some normalcy returned.
My anxiety and OCD are in their full throes right now because I'm overstimulated. My house is a gigantic mess; it basically looks like a tornado ran through it, which is a metaphor for my mind at the moment.
I'm so appreciative of my mom's hard work, the generosity of our guests, family flying in, and my wonderful step kids, but I just need a break from the craziness. I've shut myself in my room to write this right now and am longingly staring at the trees swaying in the wind. I yearn to be calm as they are; I long to be at peace in nature. I need an escape from the noise.
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