THE BLOG

The Reinstatement of the King of Online Dating

09/08/2013 23:01 BST | Updated 08/10/2013 10:12 BST

Right then. I'm on my way to this bloody Scotland thing AGAIN. Hopefully there'll be nobody from the comedy circuit that I find awkward on my train, because I am not in the mood for making small talk. I was planning on getting an early night last night, but then One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest went and decided to pop its face up on BBC2 at midnight last night, so I'm in a foul mood.

Anyway, the reason I'm a bit crotchety is probably due to my cold turkey on the old dating front. I'm like sexual Kryptonite up in Edinburgh, so facing a month without any female company.

I gave up Internet dating about three months ago and decided to make it a clean break. After an eventful trip to Vegas and a 40th birthday, I decided it was time for me to sort my shizzles out.

Well, what really happened was that I met someone I really liked, except she was the one that happened to be a massive commitment-phobe. I tried my best to melt her over the last couple of months, but it was a near impossible task.

I was gutted, because I gave up my reign as the King of Online Dating for her. I took out every single profile I ever had. It was like the end of Casino, when everyone gets taken out. I left no stone unturned. I even deleted all the apps from my iPhone.

I split up with her about a week ago and was intending to carry on living my life, free of Internet Dating. However, I met my friend Tania for lunch the other day and told her that I was 'clean'. Tania is the worst person to tell that you're giving something up. If you were to tell her that you were giving up cigarettes, she'd purposely go on holiday so that she could bring you back 400 duty free fags.

So what did she do? She informed me of the existence of a heterosexual version of Grindr. Now if you don't know what Grindr is, I shall explain in the next sentence. It's a smartphone app that homosexual gentlemen use that informs the user of the whereabouts of people in the immediate vicinity that require sexual attention.

I used to use Grindr as a deterrent for bad dates. If a date was going badly, then I'd simply leave my phone out on the table and wait for a push notification to ping up from Grindr. My potential love interest would then see that I was using a homosexual application and then promptly make her excuses after scooping her jaw up from the pavement. Anyway, now it's available in the heterosexual community under the guise of 'Blendr'. Oh god.

So without further ado, I downloaded it and then it all started snowballing. One by one, I resuscitated my sleeper cell profiles and more importantly, I fired up all of the other dating site apps that would enable me to find potential love interests whilst 'abroad'.

Anyway, I'm now fully kitted up and back in the game. So let's see what high jinks I can get up to over the next three weeks eh? I've already checked Blendr to see if there's anyone on the train as well. Pathetic.

Mark Restuccia: The Diary of a Serial Internet Dater is on everyday at 17:30 at Just the Tonic Bristo Square until the 25th August (not 13th)