This morning I woke up in Lewes. Sober. Almost immediately I cracked my nose on the fridge door. Then I made a cup of tea only to find I'd used an Earl Grey teabag which I detest with all my heart and soul. It wouldn't have surprised me at this...

It's been three months now and it has to be said. I'm such a prickly and cantankerous teetotal non-smoker - I'm the worst ad anyone could possibly be for abstaining from anything.

Enjoy yourselves, people. There's nothing to be gained from living like this. It's not so much the booze...

At the hospital I ask for a physio but the doc, after going through a list of questions, wants to have me scanned. I'm taken down to the ultrasound room where a specialist works his way down my leg from the groin to the ankle, grunting satisfactorily as he does...

Christmas has arrived in London Town, and what a stench of vulgarity it brings with it. You can't move without being reminded of it. Even my beloved Govinda's Restaurant, where the food is made with love and joy by the Hare Krishna devotees, have decided to spray their windows with...

I haven't written a single word in the last six weeks, apart from throwing bits and pieces onto a song I started writing in June. Terrible business, when I think about it.

I have two vintage typewriters. One just about works and the other hasn't a hope in hell,...

Being encouraged to climb a fibre-glass cow at quarter to four in the morning with two girls from Lancaster and an accountant named Henry is exactly the sort of thing I promised myself to avoid during the Edinburgh Festival this year. But there on top of a fibre-glass cow I...

It's such a bubble, this Fringe business. Last August we were all up here promoting our own sordid offerings while the riots were raging in London and beyond. It felt so trite, selling an hour of self-penned masturbatory humdrum. This year it's been the Olympics, which has seemed at least...

A FISH IN A TANK

Hello, Beautiful Creatures. Here I am. Now a blogger for the Huffington Post. Could a greater honour be bestowed on such a humble clown as I? I think not. And if you're still reading this by the end of the fourth paragraph then we're destined...