Oh Edinburgh, you tart. I've never seen you out of festival time. Except for one Hogmanay when I was eleven years old and I fell asleep on the settee back at my mate's house and missed the whole thing. You are a beauty. This is third time we've been together for the Fringe and you've already cost me money, sleep and dignity. If Scotland votes for independence I should imagine the month of August alone will boost your economy enough for you to sit alongside the likes of China, Japan and the United States of America as a major economic player on the world stage. God knows I've spent enough of my own money on presenting my show here this month. I daren't count how much. No doubt all comedians here could - collectively - have relieved a small African state from the heavy shackles of debt.
Cost of one flat for three people for a month = £XXXX.XX (it palpitated the heart just to think about that.)
Registration fee to the Edinburgh Festival Fringe Society = £XXX.XX (I just had to take an aspirin.)
Cost of poster design = £XXX.XX (Just washed it down with a glass of water.)
Cost of expenses incurred for travel, refreshments and eateries so far £XXX.XX (thinking about opening a bottle of vodka.)
Cost of PR representative £XXXX.XX (right. I'm just off to open bottle of vodka.)
(just off back to the kitchen to get ice and what's left of shrivelled lemon.)
Cost of vodka £XX.XX (cheers!)
Cost of lemon £0.XX (acceptable.)
Cost of poster/flyer printing and delivery £XXX.XX (does the vodka counteract the effects of the aspirin?)
Cost of food in fridge I'm too tired to cook £XX.XX (I'm serious.)
Cost of pizza delivery £XX.XX (f*ck it.)
Tip to delivery man £X.XX (Oh go on then. just another vodka.)
Round of drinks at teh Loft Bar I didn;t have to buy last night which I just remembered about £XX.XX (ouch.)
Cost of time,anxiety and circulatory issues incurred while writing,honing and getting show off ground £IMMEASURABLE (reaches for vodka. tops up. cheers)
COst of staple gun, staples, blu-tack, gaffa-tape, sellotape, double-sided whatsi-tape £XX.XX (you NEED it aLL)
Cost of f*cking flowers every night for top iof throwing during show (PROPS) so far £XX.XX
Costs of parking so far #£XX.XX (more than you thunk) (*think)
COst of parking fines to Edinburg h City Council so far £XX.XX
Ibuprofen £X.XX
Immodium £X.XX
Asprin £X>XX
It wil be wonderful. I love you all. And I vow never to use teh Huffington post to promote my show EVER>. xx
MATT ROPER PRESENTS 'WILFREDO: DECONSTRUCTED' NIGHT AFTER NIGHT AT THE EDINBURGH FESTIVAL FRINGE AT 18:30 THROUGH TO AUGUST 24 2014 (VENUE 313). BOOK TICKETS HERE.