You were lost to us this month. Beyond our reach to comfort or support you. The pain you held in yourself took you from the world, and quite frankly it's not fair.
It's not fair on you. You had so much more to experience, despite all the fantastic things you achieved. You had so much more to contribute, to the world at large and to the hearts of those around you. You had so much love and joy due to be delivered into your heart from all of us, and people you'd yet to meet. You had photos you needed to be in, memories to share, and jokes to tell and hear.
It's not fair on those that loved you. You left a hole in so many lives, be it those who saw you every day or every so often. You breathed life into every day, and the smiles you created are chiselled into our history. Moments with you were memorable, and the generosity that was so much part of who you were enriched all that it touched.
It's not fair on those who didn't know you, or who'd only met you in passing. You were a person of the ages, your stories and company a true cup of amber nectar.
It's not fair we couldn't help. You were not a burden, but we'd have shared yours willingly. Your darkest moments aren't held against you, and never have been. We couldn't walk a mile in your shoes, but without hesitation we would have tried if asked.
Feel no guilt as you read this friend, because the regard in which you will always be held is a reflection of the person you were. One of the biggest pains we feel is that you couldn't see in yourself all we saw in you.
The choice was yours to make, but know that there were always reasons not to. The solace we can take is that you're free from your pain, but never believe we think less of you.
All we feel for you is love and admiration. You live in our hearts and minds as you were at your best. And that was spectacular.
All of us,
I wrote the above in direct reaction to a friend ending their own life.
I've decided to put this on here because if you're considering the same it is also addressed to you.
Whether you have friends and family or not. Whether you've done loads, or very little. You matter. Your existence matters.
You may feel like you're nothing, but I promise you that you are not. Please take these words to heart. What you're feeling is real and hard. It's significant and exhausting.
It can have an end that doesn't mean your end. Reach out.
Keep going because even if tomorrow isn't better, the day after could be. You owe it to yourself, because you're great. Even if you can't see it.
Here's some links that may help:
The Samaritans - When I was in a very dark place about a decade ago they helped me come up for air. One phonecall meant I had the energy to find the support I needed.
Mind - Mind are fighting for us all every day. Either one on one helping people, or helping to fight the stigma around mental health. They're qualified and dedicated.
Matt Haig - Matt wrote a book called Reasons to Stay Alive. It is his person account and discussion on Depression. If you feel alone and like no-one else can understand, please read it. It felt in places like he'd been there with me. It's also fantastic for someone who doesn't suffer, as it will let to peak behind the curtain. It may help you understand what some of us go through.
People are different. Not every kind of support works for every person. Keep on trying if something doesn't fit. I promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel, and there is a way to make each day better.