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Sorry John Lewis - Boys Must Be Boys

06/09/2017 13:11 BST | Updated 06/09/2017 13:11 BST

I have two boys and a girl. This morning I sent them to school in clothes and colours that clearly defined their gender. Within half an hour, they all came home because they were supposed to be wearing their school uniform. But I had made my point. I was rebelling against the act of breathtaking snowflakery by John Lewis last week to make all children's clothes 'gender neutral'.

When I dressed Franklin and Horstead in navy blue T-shirts with hammers and guns on them, I was telling the world that my boys would one day be men, leaders, icons of virility, as every proud parent of boys should. It is essential that the patriarchy and its resilient ideology is upheld every time a boy or a man leaves his house because without it, society becomes a blancmange, a conflicting globular mess of ideas and beliefs all pulling in different directions, amounting to nothing. Britain is not a blancmange. It is a rock hard pie or a shiny apple. It cannot wobble in the face of half-baked neo-liberalist ideals like gender-neutral clothing, women-only train carriages and opposing fascism.

Conversely, my daughter Hallory-Blue must also make a statement every time she leaves the house but of course being a girl, it's a much less important statement. She must signal to the world that she will not obstruct or threaten the biologically-proven male-female hierarchy: She must not style her hair short, wear trousers, sport a beard or do anything that suggests she will jeopardise the natural order. This is where princesses, ponies, pixies and pink things play such a vital role in society because the non-threatening and non-challenging clothing of a girl is designed to maintain male superiority; this way she can help steer the patriarchal ship into comfortable waters, not that a girl would be allowed anywhere near the helm of a patriarchal ship but you see my point.

Ambiguity in fashion threatens our society. If a girl can wear a dress with dinosaurs on it, who's to say she won't pick up a book with dinosaurs in it? Who's to say she won't study dinosaurs as she gets older? Who's to say she won't extract dinosaur DNA from mosquitoes and launch an ill-fated dinosaur-themed wildlife park, murdering dozens in the process? Can someone please stop her? It's this unknown world of dangerous permutations into which John Lewis and other poisonous gender-bending libtroids are marching us.

No matter how many times she threatens to escape via the drainage system near our house, Hallory-Blue will always wear girl's clothes because her role in society is that of a girl, and no high-end department store nor blue-haired, Twin Peaks-tweeting, Smart Car-driving cuckflake is going to convince me otherwise. I will not be bullied by a cosmopolitan elite into accepting a feminist dystopia via these dangerous ideological fashion statements. If I'm going to be bullied, I'm going to let a powerful man do it, thank you very much.