THE BLOG

Essentially Speaking

29/06/2015 23:23 BST | Updated 29/06/2016 10:59 BST

I've often heard people tell me to be a "good" comedian; you need to be highly intellectual. Be specially good at the English language and know a lot about the world. I think that's a load of bo*****.

I wouldn't put myself in the "intellectual" box. I know nothing about a lot of things that some comics talk about. The future of politics. The history of politics. And most of all, politics. But I have timing, awareness, delivery, common sense, and most importantly - stage presence.

When I meet someone, a comic or not, and they try to sound more intelligent than they really are, I can not only see right through it, but I also want to knock their block off for being so pretentious.

So when I worked at my latest temp position, I got sat next to a lad with the hair style of what looked like a giant whipping of chocolate ice cream scooped on to his head. After four hours of sitting too close to this guy I couldn't help but notice his use of the English language and how he was trying his best to sound way more intelligent that he actually was. It started with the words "figuratively speaking" and "fundamentally" a fair few times to the boss. Fair enough. They always like a brown nose. But then the word "essentially" started to pop up, not just to the boss, but to everyone. Way too often.

I started to feel myself getting agitated when he started using "essentially speaking" at the beginning of every single sentence. I started to grind my teeth when he slipped in "essentially speaking" when it wasn't necessary. I then wanted to punch his ice cream head when he added "essentially" when it didn't even make any sense. "You can ring back essentially any time Mrs Thomas". What a douche.

By day five of having the word essentially burned into my brain, I decided I could either be sent down for 20 years for a very messy murder, or I could try and enjoy it. So I made the decision to count how many times he said "essentially" in each hour. I'm delighted to inform you the hour that got the most hits was between 1pm - 2pm and received TWENTY TWO essentially's. The twitching of my face at that point was a mixture of bemusement and pain.

The job, like all the others, quickly came to a close and with the perfect timing came the filming for a new comedy show for E4 ( out next year ) which was brilliant fun. So now I sit and apply for more temp jobs to make some extra money, praying the people I next work with won't send me more insane and hope the lunch is free. (Am I asking too much?)

So essentially, until next month, I hope you essentially stay well and happy... essentially speaking.