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Naomi Hefter

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God Bless America

Posted: 17/04/2013 08:13

It took me 29 years to get to America, and I finally got to go. My early 30th birthday present can't get much better than that. I had started counting down the days at 100, and packing on day 50. Then realising I was at the wrong terminal at Heathrow on day 1 - that was a panic I can tell you! NEVER TRUST THE INTERNET FOR 100% ACCURECY!!
But, of course, my determination and pilot got me there 8 hours later. 30 minutes after landing, I was in the Windy City of Chicago and I ventured to a "grocery store" to view the rows and rows of sugar filled jars and cheese in cans. I'd never seen anything like it! I was in diabetes heaven!
But this month's blog is about something a bit more precise.. men. Well, American men to be exact. What a pleasant surprise! Complements on my neon yellow jeans, hand held out, asking me for a dance, politely being asked to repeat myself to hear my accent. And most importantly, no ungentle manly British behaviour. I could stand in a crowded bar and feel comfortable. Unlike your typical public house in sunny Britain. Whether you're in a bar in the city of London, or a cheap pub in Bristol, there will always be some drunken lout groping, gawping, grabbing, drooling, staring, squeezing, fondling, feeling, or perving. No don't get me wrong, I'm not implying ALL British men do this, but there is always one or two out there in every venue to ruin a girl's night out. And it's ALWAYS the one with no confidence or the dented ego.
But the American men - wow! Confidence without the arrogance. Compliments without the clich├ęs. And chat up lines without the chat up lines. Hands kept to themselves until they are given the green light only makes a girl want the guy even more.
When I was walking down Michigan avenue, doing a spot of shopping, a guy walked past me and said " Girrrl, you fina than Alicia Keys, can I have your autograph? " Now, I was more than willing to give it to him - my autograph that is. But by the time I had reached for my pen, he had gone. Very disappointing to someone like me trying to get my name known. However, a delightful compliment said and done is the most amusing and charming way.
I had done four comedy gigs out there, and I was nervous about how the American audience would take me. Again, a fabulous surprise! No chauvinism or sexism. No drunken heckles or slurring jibes. Just laughter and smiles and the joy of being told that I sound so elegant even when I say the words "Massive D**K and "Garlic flavoured sperm"
I plan on going back to America. Several times. I may go back next time I'm feeling drained from telling some idiot that too much Stella can really ruin a man. And to please leave my arse alone.

 

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