Not him, me.
I feel like he doesn't know who I am at times, no matter how many times I kiss him, make him laugh and tell him I love him. He cries whenever Tash leaves the room.
However, I was always told I was the lucky one, I got to go to work and have a moment to myself, get a coffee get on the train and read the paper, do my emails and even write my blogs. Knowing that Tash was in for a tougher day at home preparing for another draining day looking after Rafferty our son. My son is a gorgeous little miracle - but, there is no taking away from the fact that whether you're mum or dad staying at home looking after a baby, it's exhausting. 10 months in and I have zero idea how single parents do it.
Everyday I see another glimpse of who he's going to be as his little personality breaks through.
"Babe babe come here he's done......" Is a common line in our house as we celebrate the slightest new thing he has achieved (usually followed by me layering it thickly on every social media platform available to tell the world).
Recently though, I've noticed more and more that instead of the celebration at his discovery it's met with a "I know, so cute, he did that....." or I'd get an excited call or video of him rolling over, laughing crawling etc and that's when it dawned on me, I was missing my son grow up.
I have always been someone who was career driven, with clear work ethic and never shied away from hard work. It's was instilled in me growing up. I remember my dad telling me of when I was a baby, he had 2 jobs so at 5pm he'd finish work come home, eat, get a bus into Central London and then work into the early hours. Day in and day out, just to make sure his family was provided for, this is where I get it from.
When Raffy was born I quit my second job - I had taken another job and had worked everyday, 7seven days a week for over a year to try and make sure we were in the best possible situation when the little man turned up. I had done the research, I knew this was going to be an expensive hobby.
My priorities changed and I focused on creating more balance (actually resulted in better time management) because up until that point I was living to work rather than the other way around and one regret my dad had was he missed some of those childhood moments. I made a conscious decision when I went back to work, I'd leave on time (or as near to it) limit my event attendance to ones that were really beneficial for the business and reply to only urgent emails and calls in the evening. But, the entertainment business isn't 9 - 5, we are on call for our clients full time, not because we have to but because we want to, we ride the roller coaster with them. Beyond that we are at events, replying to emails, planning client strategy. This was perfect when Raffy was first born, the adrenalin the first few weeks meant I didn't feel the tiredness and 3.30am was great time to do my emails without the phone ringing. I knew my body couldn't keep it up though.
However, with all these changes, I'm only seeing Raffy for 15 minutes in the evening and a little in the morning. As the week goes by we drift further apart. The weekends then spent bonding again.
I started this blog by saying it's tougher for the parent that stays at home, but, actually it's just as tough if you're the one going to work. Realising, there isn't really a fix and you have to accept you're going to miss those moments, but it fills you with guilt in the knowledge that once those moments have gone you can never get them back and that is the price for being back at work.
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