Accidental Parenthood

This Labour of Love

Lana Citron | Posted 23.06.2013 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

So there we were at the end of a journey and the beginning of a lifetime. These past nine months have been the longest, shortest, most confounding emotional roller coaster since... well, probably since the first time round...

Thirteen Lucky Years of Boy Wonderment

Lana Citron | Posted 15.06.2013 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

We have been on a journey for 13 summers. Just the two of us travelling to infinity and beyond, adventure after adventure, hiding out in makeshift dens, hopping on island cushions, gladiators on sheepskin carpets, scaling furniture, bouncing on beds, sofa snuggling, conquering long rainy days.

Taming of the Shrewd

Lana Citron | Posted 07.06.2013 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

I don't get it. What is it with women? As a gender we seem to be our own nemesis. The rubbish we tell/sell ourselves is far more detrimental to the modern female psyche than the shit men mete out.

Woman in Hormonal Maelstrom - Approach With Caution!

Lana Citron | Posted 29.05.2013 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

They say a picture paints a thousand words....

Tales of Hard Labour and the Pink Ribbon

Lana Citron | Posted 13.05.2013 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

"What does one do when contractions begin?" My arm shot up. I knew this one. "Scream," I answered. This response was met with disdain: "Wrong... You need to be in control. Screaming evokes the idea of someone who has lost control." I suddenly came over all John McEnroe. Was she serious? She could not be serious? How could she possibly say that?

When Sexiness Left the Building

Lana Citron | Posted 06.05.2013 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

This week the bump took command of the mothership. All things ego related receded into the background as I prepared for metamorphosis, from woman to 'mother' or 24 hour service station. Branded with a thick black line, a primal print of 'Keep Off' ran the length of my curvature.

Shooting Hannah Cohen

Lana Citron | Posted 27.04.2013 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

In a grey stone church in Dublin, I watched myself from a time since past; as a seven year old, Jewish girl wanting to belong. The place was full of people, though none were praying and nothing was quite what it seemed to be.

Sharp and Sweet - The Beet Generation

Lana Citron | Posted 20.04.2013 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

I reckoned if reflux was the worst of my symptoms, I was doing good. Okay, so I would prefer it if my arse didn't completely sag and my ankles didn't swell to the size of my thighs and....

The Chocolate Orange of Eternal Desire

Lana Citron | Posted 13.04.2013 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

It happens - someone contacts you from a time way back - when half your present size, you shook your tail feather and tickled your fancy.

Mr Greene and the Places He Takes Me

Lana Citron | Posted 06.04.2013 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

I have always enjoyed a solitary state without distractions, so I can 'away with the fairies' or lose myself in the lull of a soft breeze, carrying smatterings of conversations, bird song, the distant flow of traffic, barks, bells, road works and that which is named silence in a city such as this.

Parenting Lessons - For Real!

Lana Citron | Posted 23.03.2013 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

The nesting season began. There was much to be done. A certain someone was expected in the near future. I began by cleaning or rather thinking about cleaning.

The Curse of the Fortune Cookie

Lana Citron | Posted 09.03.2013 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

Our new acquaintance had sailed to Paris from Dublin to celebrate the latest exhibition opening of his flame haired aunt, the artist Patricia Poullain. She, a wonderfully talented lady heads a loyal and extraneous family, one of whom is the Glam Rocker, hence my presence.

War Baby

Lana Citron | Posted 02.03.2013 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

Perhaps I should brush over this week. It was not a happy one. I was not a happy person. I hated everyone and everything. This was compounded by the official and public confirmation that the Glam Rocker's band would be supporting Lady Gaga on her worldwide tour, which meant I would be mothering it, alone.

Out of the Blue and Into the Pink

Lana Citron | Posted 23.02.2013 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

Don't get me started on the pink aisle. I'm a little bit rabid about the pink aisle. I'll bore you - suffice to say I don't do pink. If the Interloper is a girl, there will be a careful vetoing of toys reinforcing the idea a women's worth is dependent on her looks, or that catering to the needs of men is the only way forward (basically, all toys on the pink aisle).

Old Sod Wonderments and Maternal Delusion

Lana Citron | Posted 09.02.2013 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

I remember loving this stage. Boy Wonder and I were fluent in monosyllabic squeak. 'Ah bah' translated, (depending on intonation and mood), as 'over there' or 'what's that?' or 'let's go' but mainly, 'I love you Mum, you are the best Mum in the world.'

The Mother (in-Law) of All Weeks

Lana Citron | Posted 18.01.2013 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

After the fast living, rock star adrenaline pumped existence of nonstop touring, partying and god knows what else, the Glam Rocker announced it would take a while to settle back into civvy life. To hasten the process, within two hours of his arrival, jet-lagged and plane-weary, I dragged him straight to the antenatal unit for our 20-week scan.

The Battle of the Bulge

Lana Citron | Posted 12.01.2013 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

Surely, a woman is at her most beautiful when pregnant? A sexual being bearing fruit, oozing fertility. There is nothing in my mind more intensely sensual, provocative, or potent. Then again, maybe it's the hormones, and I was in a pregnant bubble of delusion.

Half Term Tears and the Breakdown of Spatial Boundaries

Lana Citron | Posted 23.01.2014 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

While all this emotional and physical cartography was happening externally, internally I was beset with a belly full of love flutters. There could be no mistaking the movements as gathering wind. The Interloper was growing at an almighty rate and I bludgeoned by tiredness.

My Very Own Stockholm Syndrome

Lana Citron | Posted 26.12.2012 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

It occurred to me that once ensconced in the state of motherhood women are prone to suffer the Stockholm syndrome, devotedly held captive 24/7 by the needs of our charges.

Heartache and Circumcision Fallout

Lana Citron | Posted 12.12.2012 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

K.Y. jelly smeared my stomach; it was a rink of lubricant over which the small handheld audio scanner skated. It Torvell-ed and Dean-ed in search of my baby's heartbeat alas to no avail, null points. The volume was raised - again to no avail.

Circumcision - The Final Cut

Lana Citron | Posted 05.12.2012 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

The Glam Rocker is neither religious nor cut. The idea is wholly foreign to him, whereas to me, circumcision is as natural an act as cutting the umbilical cord. I realise in the current climate my opinion may strike a foul chord.

Sex and Pregnancy

Lana Citron | Posted 26.11.2012 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

Good parenting has nothing to do with one's social or marital status though I concede it is more practical for two people to share the job of child rearing. However, a conventional status does not necessarily deign parenting attributes on anyone. If you don't believe me just go see, 'We Need to Talk About Kevin.'

Caught Out

Lana Citron | Posted 21.11.2012 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

Having had to keep my condition under wraps for so long I'd almost forgotten I was pregnant. Last pregnancy my bump was near invisible at five months, albeit I was 12 years younger and two dress sizes smaller. I came out at my 30th birthday party. 'Guess what?'

A Small Matter of Life and Death

Lana Citron | Posted 29.10.2012 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

The Glam Rocker was keen to attend this scan - previous doubts having abated somewhat... still he needed to see this baby bud for real. In boy speak it was the money shot, i.e. what was the going rate for child support?

Hard Labour Versus the Ziplock Vagina

Lana Citron | Posted 24.10.2012 | UK Lifestyle
Lana Citron

At my last hospital visit, the doctor said I would be treated as a first time mother. My body will have forgotten it was ever pregnant before. I begged to differ.