I worry about my health, I know I could die, I know I could lose out on life and opportunities if I am not well enough to grasp them with both hands. It's a spiral and it's all spinning around my head and it's making me dizzy. I'm constantly out of breath. Exhausted. Exhausted by this mental illness.
Persistently eating too much or too little can be symptomatic or indicative of an eating disorder, but what many people don't appreciate is that food is just one factor in an eating disorder. While they're characterised by disordered eating habits, ultimately eating disorders are serious mental health illnesses.
We do not struggle with food because we are broken, we struggle with food because we haven't yet personally understood our own equilibrium. Our relationship with food is dependent on both biological and psychological factors, and we need to discover for ourselves how each of these factors affect us.
In 2012, I decided that due to a number of significant events going on in my life it was time to try and continue treatment again. Despite my initial referral taking place in December 2012, I didn't see anyone till October 2013. When I did, I was told by the NHS mental health trust that I wasn't ill enough to meet their very strict criteria.
In the world of food and writing, I'm an al dente moaner, a social commentator looking through the holes of glazed ring doughnuts. There's no doubt, after all, that the life of someone who feels the need to write about the world around them tend to have a keen eye for the most delicious foods, often in the largest quantities.
Until something is changed, men will continue to be excluded for the eating disorder treatment loop, forcing them into dangerous cycles which only grow in intensity, often leading to very poor outcomes. How many more need to suffer before our society stands up, takes note and realises we have a problem and something needs to be done about it?