Every man is a taunt of who I could be. Every "ladies" directed to me is a reminder of the body that betrays me. I feel the stab of jealousy for signs of masculinity that I won't have; well fitting suits and strong shoulders. I don't know what it is, I don't know if it is that I hate being feminised and viewed as a woman so much.
So the purpose of this blog is to see the funny side of life. Life may be very difficult right now but I still have my sense of humour. I can only compare my life at the moment to one of a slug. I spend most of my time horizontal and moving slowly from room to room. The difference is I have arms so while I may feel as useless as a slug right now I still have the ability to type.
I live with the debilitating and incurable Ankylosing Spondylitis. It's a chronic disease which means it's not going anywhere, isn't going to kill me but does make life very, very hard. My pain can, on a very bad day, reach the level of childbirth without the obvious prospect of new life at the end of it
If you're unfamiliar with UC, it's a chronic and unpredictable bowel disease (often mistaken for IBS) which can vary in severity and symptoms from patient to patient. The symptoms are gross and painful, but the disease itself is almost invisible. Whilst I look remarkably well, I'm actually screaming on the inside (kind of like Rose at the beginning of Titanic).
Waking up and being in pain straight away is beyond depressing and demoralising, but I'd always pick this one over being woken up by the pain. Both options are so tough, lonely, and exhausting, though. They also feel indescribable. Words somehow just don't do being-in-constant-severe-pain justice at all.
There is an old saying that you can't pour from an empty cup, but I was shocked at how quickly my ability to support my son was compromised. Something as basic as not eating properly, or sleeping a full night, hell, even something as small as not having open access to hot drinks, add up fast; which I learned to my cost once we moved to the children's ward.