However, London is a place where drinking is deeply necessary. Business in the fermented streets of the city is conducted through a thin veil of functional alcoholism, and for many, a drink is as valuable as a promise.
Pour beer all over yourself, so it at least smells like you've been drinking. If you're breath tested, this has the added bonus of confusing the hell out the police because you smell like you're smashed.
Like many of you, I'm a married, employed white male with two children under the age of five and a mortgage. Which means that, like many of you, I'm about two glasses of prosecco away from qualifying as a functional alcoholic.