So I got my bathroom cleaned and Si learnt something new, so a successful day all round, but I'm certain he was expecting some kind of thank you which most probably involved me being naked also. I told him if a naked guy turned up every time I cleaned I'd be too fucking tired to even manage the cleaning.
It's time for the world's largest arts festival, and once you've ignored all the lesser art forms (theatre, music, puppetry, dance, mime, writing - ugh!), you'll want some comedy. These ten acts are the funniest and most promising of the new comedy crop, as judged by their relative lack of fame, oodles of talent and grinding, desperate poverty.
When you've just found out that you're pregnant with twins the world goes silent for a few moments. It's like an explosion has just gone off in your brain as you deal with this new information. All you can see is the two blobs on the ultrasound screen. Your tongue won't move in your mouth and you can't hear what the sonographer is saying because that last word they uttered has literally blown your mind...
When you have a baby you think that you and your other half will immediately be in tune with each other. That you will be the dream co-parent duo. Other couples will be amazed at how well you are coping. Cue two weeks in and you are screaming "IT'S YOUR F*CKING TURN TO CHANGE THE NAPPY" and throwing a sterilisation bowl off their head. So here are a few ways I have survived the last five years being in charge of small children... with another adult.
Where does the female half of the species learn this unprecedented skill? Was there an open day or meeting I missed where there were a dozen prosthetic backsides all laid out in a row and covered with Nutella. I like to imagine a stern lady barking out wiping orders to an ensemble of new mothers all learning the skill that us Dad's envy.
The checkouts are busy. No, they are overwhelmed. So despite having a full trolly we go for the self service check outs. In the style of a Hannah Barberra cartoon, where a mini devil sits on one of the character's shoulders while a mini angel sits on the other, voices debate in my head as I make this choice.
You are invited to a friend's party, you both look at each other and soon realise this could be an incredible opportunity to ask grandparents to see whether they could look after baby for a few hours. A chance for us both to have a few hours to ourselves to spend some quality time together without baby.
Tiredness when you have a child does not disappear. It stays with you like eczema. I haven't had a dream in 18 months. In fact, I haven't slept in 18 months. I am currently defying medical science. My brain has basically told its replenishment team to take permanent annual leave as there is no point in replenishing brain cells and restocking my general well-being. They agreed.
If you are reading this from the hours of midnight and sunrise you are probably in the middle of one of the most physically demanding parts of parenthood - the night feeds. Yes, the good ol' middle of the night milk feasts. This post aims to ensure your eyes do not slam shut whilst baby takes a decade to drink a few millilitres of milk.