Balotelli sounds like the perfect replacement for Suarez, but it's his on-the-pitch attitude that will lead to him coming up short in replacing the Uruguayan in Scouse hearts... For all his teething problems and penchant for diving, you never hear the word "lazy" and "Luis Suarez" in the same sentence.
Last season they came in under the radar, with very few people talking them up as title contenders until relatively late in the season. When they finally bashed the door down and sat atop the Premier League table, the players seemed to see everyone looking at them, panicked and promptly fell.
The Spanish giants announced his signing, subject to medical, yesterday, at a cost of around £75million. A move to Spain is one which Suarez has long hankered after, so maybe his action was less career suicide, more cunning strategy.
When Haaland and Keane met on the pitch in a Manchester derby in 2001, the Irishman lost the little cool he ever had. To quote his autobiography: "I'd waited long enough. I f****** hit him hard. The ball was there (I think). Take that you c***."
Maybe it's because of the World Cup keeping everyone stimulated past their bed time (and who couldn't see Tim Howard play and not be inspired?) but the silly season hasn't really come round yet, with little of this week's news being especially soft or frivolous.
Etiquette and modern manners expert Debbie Fiddlesticks was brought in by the Uruguayan President last week to try and persuade a discerning global community that biting is perfectly normal behaviour.
It seems crazy that a man in his position and with so much at stake, can so simply break the rules instilled into us all at nursery school to 'be nice and don't bite people'... the fact that it is so abhorrent to the majority of us shows us that he must be operating from some 'other than normal level' of functioning.
How important are character strengths such as self-control when it comes to winning football matches? Surely you wouldn't risk being sent off for a nudge or an elbow, would you? Unless you couldn't help yourself.
So the main issue then, is that biting is so bafflingly blatant, so far removed from the comprehensible vagaries of football, that this four month veto is really a punishment for outrageous stupidity. It's the third time!
For a World Cup to exist in the memory long after the event and maybe even get a slot in a future BBC3 nostalgia show hosted by Olly Murs... it'll be those other moments which define its status as a great tournament.
This is a man who lives and plays on the edge, who will try to seek any competitive advantage for himself or his team. When this desire degenerates into the ugly and often violent scenes that have littered Suarez's impressive career, it becomes difficult to see the Uruguayan ever paralleling true modern greats such as Messi or Ronaldo.
Why did Luis Suarez sink his teeth into Giorgio Chiellini's shoulder? - Is he a victim of child-like impulsivity or could he be a vampire? Neither of these is the case, so let me review four possible reasons for his extraordinary behaviour.
To be completely honest it was never time for him to even step into the role of the England manager. His track record is weak and it's questionable how he was selected in the first place or why. I believe his selection was because he's someone that wouldn't cause the FA any trouble and would just get on with it.
As naturally born pessimists we have instead taken a look at all those poor sods who won't be going to the finals in Brazil. We'd feel sorry for them if they weren't essentially being paid to sit down for the next few months. Such a hard life.
The extent to which Suarez is lauded without qualification is as symptomatic of our society's tolerant stance on xenophobia as UKIP's surge into relevance.
Atlético Madrid surpassed all expectations with their La Liga title win, while Manchester City, Juventus, PSG and Bayern Munich secured domestic glory. Nevertheless, of each champion in Europe's big five divisions, only Juventus have representatives in WhoScored's team of the season...