My first thought - how did Vodafone manage to afford it? I think we all know they've not been doing too well over the last few years, don't we? Otherwise they wouldn't have had to put all that time and effort into highly complicated international tax-avoidance schemes to dodge the billions of pounds they owe this country.
It will turn out that those guys who think the world is secretly run by lizards were right all along. But a further twist will develop in June, when it is revealed that those lizards are themselves ruled by empirical socio-economic forces which can be countered by engaging in the electoral process and bringing about piecemeal change.
We are often told that we should learn from history, but this pedagogy usually deals in only the moral lessons associated with human and civic progress. However, much like an innocent child imitating his swearing older brother, I thought it would be much more fun to compile a short list of totally useless and inappropriate lessons from history that would undo all of our good work as a society. So, here for your ironic consumption are some terrible, horrible, idiotic ideas for improving our nation...
They call him the "Once and Future King". Legend has it, Arthur resides in eternal sleep on the Isle of Avalon, awaiting the day when England needs his help to fight off some cruel calamity. Well, I don't know about you, but I wish he'd bloody wake up already. How many invitations does the man, need? Was he there for the struggle against Hitler, defending the skies of London from the Luftwaffe's incendiary bombs? Was he b****cks! So much for specialising in repelling German invaders... and what about the credit crisis - arguably the worst financial disaster in modern history - did we see any wise fiscal solutions from the legendary Dark Age king then? No, we bloody didn't - just hour after hour of Robert Peston frowning at plummeting graphs.