The umpteenth series of Britain's Got Talent began with a man wielding a paper and comb, the better to murder a Stevie Wonder classic, and went downhill from there. The judges, of course, voted him through. Plus ça change, folks.
So, what can we learn from the success of Game of Thrones? Follow me, as I unveil some writing tips to slaughter your enemies and conquer the kingdom.
But it now seems a matter of time before a television channel completely rebrands itself to become CLARKSON TV. OK, that's basically what Dave is now. But what would that channel look like? Probably something like this...
There's no innate reason for dresses to be deemed girls' clothing - that's just an (outdated) idea in our society, a cultural construction. If a boy wants to wear a dress, it doesn't mean he needs his gender reassigned.
Those who are jumping on the bandwagon to mock Essex really need to take a long hard look at themselves. We all say we want greater diversity in politics, but if we shoot down anyone from outside who tries to get involved, we're going to end up with the same old order.
Over its four previous seasons The Walking Dead has managed to sustain a strong stock of fascinating characters - those, at least, who weren't turned into zombie mulch or otherwise prematurely expired.
During my two weeks with this cowboy community, I tried to rationalize the gambles parents were taking with their kids. I compared bull riding to other, more familiar sports like rugby or hurling but I never really understood the point where the benefit outweighed the danger for them.
The two presenters - Richard Ayoade and Kathy Burke - promised much initially, but fell woefully short of their supposed brief. This was, ostensibly, to sum up the attractions of a vibrant and wonderful city and maybe have a few laughs along the way.
There's only one episode left of Better Call Saul - sad face - and it's got me all nostalgic about the time I met Breaking Bad's RJ Mitte AKA Walt Jr (AKA Flynn). Actually, when I say 'nostalgic', it was only actually a couple of weeks ago, I just don't get out very much.
A new institution could be the catalyst we need to shape the world we want to live in and Britain's role in that world. Today, we're letting big commercial technology platforms shape much of our digital lives, dominating the debate about everything from online privacy to how we build smart cities.
I don't hate anything that's 'in', I just hate being pestered. It's boring and makes me grumpy. Everywhere I look there's hype. Hype on social media, hype at the Oscars, hype at work, hype at the gym, hype in my real world, hype in my virtual world. Hype, hype, hype. And then I had a double epiphany: hype has killed my cultural mojo!!!
Thunderbirds are back, but is the new version of Gerry Anderson's classic puppet saga any good? Well, the answer is yes and no.
Armchair adventurers will get a kick out of this new show on Animal Planet, 100 Miles From Nowhere. As will sadists. Three men, Matt Galland, Danny Bryson and Blake Josephson travel to some of the world's remotest spots, trekking some 100 miles in just four days.
Emmanuel is a serious contender, another act who has been brilliant throughout. This was absolutely amazing. His range is off the scale. From the minute he started singing, to the minute he stopped, it was faultless. 10/10
So after all the hype, the ads, the contorted build-up, the dozens of days of negotiations, the thousands of headlines, the millions of words of pre-match and post-match analysis, just over three million people bothered to tune in for the first 'big debate' agreed between the parties and the broadcasters. That is a shamingly low figure for all of us.
Everyone keeps asking me what's on my bucket list. The problem is: I don't actually have one. People seem surprised when I tell them that. Why? Are all terminally ill people expected to have bucket lists? Do they help in some way?