THE BLOG

Jealousy - How It Can Ruin Your Life and Your Business

19/03/2014 13:46 GMT | Updated 19/05/2014 10:59 BST

"It's not fair" said Susie age 7, stamping her feet and tugging at her mother's dress. "I want a pair of brand new shiny shoes and a big pink bow just like Amy. I want them now!"

Susie's mother bought her the dress and the pink ribbon.

By saying yes to her daughter every time she wanted something was not helping her. She expected to get everything she wanted in life.

However, life isn't always about getting what everyone else has.

Being envious of your best friend because she lives in a bigger house than you, has a better job and goes on more holidays doesn't mean they're a better person than you.

The same applies with work colleagues. I had a client who joined a fashion company as head of a sales team. She had been working in the retail industry for twenty years and was excited to have a new challenge.

However her new role caused jealously amongst her team, some of whom had also applied for the job. This was exacerbated by her management style - which was to issue orders without spending time interacting with her team. They felt insecure and the working atmosphere was not productive.

Jealousy can appear in many different forms and worry can conjure up all kinds of negative thoughts.

What my client didn't realise was how insecure her team felt. She didn't understand why they were talking behind her back until her boss suggested she had some one-to-one coaching sessions to help her settle into her new role.

After talking to my client about her concerns that the team didn't like her, she arranged a lunch to get to know them. She told them her priority was to make sure they all felt good about what they were doing and if they had any concerns to have a chat with her and she would help.

An unhappy team doesn't produce successful results and as soon as they felt secure in their jobs and knew my client wanted to make positive changes with them they all started to relax and felt so much better.

Happiness isn't always dependant on material things. Relationships can suffer because one person in a marriage or partnership is jealous of the attention their partner gets. Insecurity may often come from lack of communication with your partner. Talking about your concerns can help change negative perceptions you may have.

By getting these negative thoughts out of your system rather than holding on to them and pushing them down into your unconscious mind can help you feel so much better. Fear that a partner may embark on an affair can be very destructive.

Ignoring the situation can bring on all kinds of insecurities as you start building things up in your mind and make it worse for yourself.

By confronting your fears this can help you move forward.

Maybe you are afraid you will lose a loved one because he or she is so attractive. The more you focus on that fear the more you will start to feel bad about yourself.

This person wouldn't be with you if they didn't love you back. Start believing in yourself. Go and do something for you instead of thinking about how good they look!

Worry and upset can lead to unhappiness and often ill health. It can cause us to have lack of confidence or self-esteem.

A friend's husband never wanted to go out in public with her because he hated other men looking at her. I suggested he started taking it as a compliment and enjoy their marriage. His constant jealousy of other men was driving her away.

Despite her assurances that she loved him only, the situation became intolerable and he shouted at her if she so much as looked in another man's direction.

Their marriage didn't last because my girlfriend wanted to be with someone who trusted her and didn't find fault in everything she did.

She is now with her new partner and their baby girl. They both trust each other and talk about everything. She has evenings out with her friends and so does he.

There are some people that are so driven to be successful that they don't care who gets in their way and how much they hurt them.

They may hate the fact you are doing so well and they aren't and try to do everything to disrupt all the good things you are doing including telling people untruths about you.

So what do you do when someone wants to hurt you because they are jealous of you?

Remember that it is their issue, not yours! If they feel threatened by you despite your good intentions you may need to move on without them. If they are bad-mouthing you, stay true to yourself. Eventually their lies will be exposed.

Take care of you, believe in your positive attributes and don't let the negativity of others make you feel insecure.

Seven year old Susie always got what she wanted because Amy had it. If she didn't get what she wanted from friends at school she bullied them into giving it to her. I wonder how Susie is doing now!

Jealousy won't help you. Confidence, self-esteem, positive friendships and working relationships will.

Nicci Roscoe

www.nicciroscoe.com