Nick Abbot
Currently, I am heard on LBC 97.3 in London and online on Friday and Saturday at 10pm.

I have three collections of columns on Amazon, the latest of which is here :

Entries by Nick Abbot

Massed Debaters

(0) Comments | Posted 3 April 2015 | (15:10)

The cameras zoomed in on the set of an expensive quiz show for which the prize was priceless. Against a vibrant blue background stood seven lecterns of such violent, rainbow hued luminosity they appeared to have been reclaimed from a Pink Floyd concert. Chris Tarrant did not appear but the...

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On The Cusp of Something BIG

(0) Comments | Posted 2 April 2015 | (14:46)

There has been a lot of uninformed speculation about what the Top Gear men will do next. Allow me to add my own uninformed speculation here.

Commentators have called it the end of an era, that the format is bigger than the stars, that they are doomed to eke out...

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Top Tears

(0) Comments | Posted 26 March 2015 | (12:37)

I write this from the standpoint of a fan. Top Gear is probably my favourite British TV show. I can not imagine sitting for hours watching repeats of any other programmes I have already seen with so much enjoyment. The only physical paper I buy is the Sunday Times and...

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Money for Something

(0) Comments | Posted 25 March 2015 | (13:53)

If it goes on like this, pretty soon there won't be anyone left to vote for. Practically everyone who is an MP, and many who have only thought of becoming one, are currently suspended, pending an investigation into their willingness to accept money from shady sources.

The problem is...

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We Want Our Dinner!

(4) Comments | Posted 16 March 2015 | (11:21)

Was the most important news story of the week that Boko Haram had pledged their allegiance to ISIS to create an international swivel eyed House of Crazy? Was it that Ed Miliband has two kitchens, or three kitchens as is now alleged? Was it that North Korea has started testing...

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Springtime for Nigel

(2) Comments | Posted 28 February 2015 | (13:23)

The Ukip spring get together started just as you would expect: a high kicking, goose stepping, Kugelblitz tank full of jack booted Nazis. They parked their Panzer in Margate and did the Hitler-hi-how-are-you straight armed salutation to the sea front. It could not have gone any better if Albert Speer...

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A Change Is Gonna Come

(0) Comments | Posted 3 February 2015 | (16:46)

In any mature market for fast moving consumer goods, the players are experts that, over the years, have honed their game to sharp elbowed perfection. Every pound is fought over and to increase one's share of it is very difficult to do.

The last thing that came out of...

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You Think Dog Product On Your Shoes Is Bad!

(0) Comments | Posted 22 January 2015 | (13:48)

2015 is not yet one month old and already I have seen the word of the year. That word is, prepare yourself..."Poonado". That is, a tornado made of poo.

A group of divers off the island of Dominica, in the Caribbean, have coined the term "poonado" to describe the...

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Fluttering From the Guttering

(0) Comments | Posted 22 November 2014 | (14:07)

What a load of sanctimonious, opportunistic hooey. Pigs don't see that much hogwash. Have you ever spied so many people falling over each to ingratiate themselves with a person they would not want to be actually associated with if he was giving away free money?

The phoney furore about the...

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He's Not the Messiah, He's Just Styled That Way

(0) Comments | Posted 18 October 2014 | (14:50)

I can't believe I am about to say this, but Donald Trump is right. The Donald has been in a Twitter spat with Russell Brand. A Twitter spat is something that no self respecting person over school age should be engaging in, so you have a measure of the combatants...

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Clackers Goes Crackers for Kippers

(0) Comments | Posted 11 October 2014 | (16:51)

"An earthquake in British politics" is how the press described the globe shattering upheaval in Clacton. The ground moved for Nigel, and he's got that gaping grin on his face to prove it. It was monumental, astounding, breathtaking and a lot of other words that came up in the Thesaurus.

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The Parties' Parties

(0) Comments | Posted 1 October 2014 | (15:43)

It is conference season, when in the past, faded seaside resorts would become the lands of broken promises. These days, conferences are held as far away from the sea as possible, as that is where the Kippers reside and neither of the two main parties wish to be associated with...

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Don't Panic (Much)

(1) Comments | Posted 30 August 2014 | (14:00)

How does our Prime Minister expunge from the public's memory the image of its chief executive being tossed about the waves of Polzeath like so much fat flotsam?

What can a PM, who is more drowning than waving, do to reassert his authority after being snapped flolopping amid the...

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The Commonwealth Games - The Joy of Whingeing

(0) Comments | Posted 4 August 2014 | (14:14)

The summer of televised sport drew to a close last night and the green ink complainers will now have to select some other topic to act as the focus of their ire. The displacement the sport has caused to the TV schedules had become the principle source of furious letters...

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Man's Greatest Achievement - Not Getting Sticky

(0) Comments | Posted 7 July 2014 | (13:54)

Summer this year has so far been a blink and you'll miss it affair, but it lasted long enough to cause an explosion of Coca-Cola in Somerset. Not an explosion of sales, an explosion of the actual drink itself.

A man, I will call him Michael Knight, because that is...

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The Tube of Death

(0) Comments | Posted 28 June 2014 | (14:11)

Television will kill you. It is the latest in a long line of things that are reported to be deadly. These include: fruit, urban air, bread, alcohol, over exertion, under exertion, soft cheese, rugby, playing against Louis Suarez, being Iraqi, any car made by General Motors, bacon, ham, any processed...

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And They're Off to a Standing Start

(0) Comments | Posted 15 June 2014 | (14:07)

The Cross of St George flutters from vans and cars and from the bedrooms of houses and that can only mean one thing: the British National Party Conference is on. Unless it is the World Cup which has brought them out. It is one of the few occasions that we...

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Reasons to Be Fearful, Part 3,456,872

(0) Comments | Posted 6 June 2014 | (10:51)

Britain is offering 1,000 troops and the tanks they can still start to NATO so they can put on a show in Poland that they think will put Vlad the Insaner back in his box. They don't know him very well, do they? This is a man who has probably...

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A Functionary's Meddling Is Never Done

(0) Comments | Posted 3 June 2014 | (13:46)

Modern life is rubbish. Actually, modern life is sorting rubbish. And then paying someone to take it away. This is on top of your council tax, which you thought covered that, but doesn't.

You can add it to the things that your council tax does not cover, like providing...

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The Tale of the Masticating Miliband

(0) Comments | Posted 26 May 2014 | (13:38)

Ed Milliband has been hoist by his own PR. With the press on high oddness alert, what was it that possessed him to attack a dead pig sandwich in public, with the cameras pointed at him? Was he so overcome with hunger that he couldn't make it from breakfast to...

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