Nick Abbot
Currently, I am heard on LBC 97.3 in London and online on Friday and Saturday at 10pm.

I have three collections of columns on Amazon, the latest of which is here :

Entries by Nick Abbot

You Think Dog Product On Your Shoes Is Bad!

(0) Comments | Posted 22 January 2015 | (14:48)

2015 is not yet one month old and already I have seen the word of the year. That word is, prepare yourself..."Poonado". That is, a tornado made of poo.

A group of divers off the island of Dominica, in the Caribbean, have coined the term "poonado" to describe the...

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Fluttering From the Guttering

(0) Comments | Posted 22 November 2014 | (15:07)

What a load of sanctimonious, opportunistic hooey. Pigs don't see that much hogwash. Have you ever spied so many people falling over each to ingratiate themselves with a person they would not want to be actually associated with if he was giving away free money?

The phoney furore about the...

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He's Not the Messiah, He's Just Styled That Way

(0) Comments | Posted 18 October 2014 | (15:50)

I can't believe I am about to say this, but Donald Trump is right. The Donald has been in a Twitter spat with Russell Brand. A Twitter spat is something that no self respecting person over school age should be engaging in, so you have a measure of the combatants...

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Clackers Goes Crackers for Kippers

(0) Comments | Posted 11 October 2014 | (17:51)

"An earthquake in British politics" is how the press described the globe shattering upheaval in Clacton. The ground moved for Nigel, and he's got that gaping grin on his face to prove it. It was monumental, astounding, breathtaking and a lot of other words that came up in the Thesaurus.

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The Parties' Parties

(0) Comments | Posted 1 October 2014 | (16:43)

It is conference season, when in the past, faded seaside resorts would become the lands of broken promises. These days, conferences are held as far away from the sea as possible, as that is where the Kippers reside and neither of the two main parties wish to be associated with...

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Don't Panic (Much)

(1) Comments | Posted 30 August 2014 | (15:00)

How does our Prime Minister expunge from the public's memory the image of its chief executive being tossed about the waves of Polzeath like so much fat flotsam?

What can a PM, who is more drowning than waving, do to reassert his authority after being snapped flolopping amid the...

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The Commonwealth Games - The Joy of Whingeing

(0) Comments | Posted 4 August 2014 | (15:14)

The summer of televised sport drew to a close last night and the green ink complainers will now have to select some other topic to act as the focus of their ire. The displacement the sport has caused to the TV schedules had become the principle source of furious letters...

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Man's Greatest Achievement - Not Getting Sticky

(0) Comments | Posted 7 July 2014 | (14:54)

Summer this year has so far been a blink and you'll miss it affair, but it lasted long enough to cause an explosion of Coca-Cola in Somerset. Not an explosion of sales, an explosion of the actual drink itself.

A man, I will call him Michael Knight, because that is...

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The Tube of Death

(0) Comments | Posted 28 June 2014 | (15:11)

Television will kill you. It is the latest in a long line of things that are reported to be deadly. These include: fruit, urban air, bread, alcohol, over exertion, under exertion, soft cheese, rugby, playing against Louis Suarez, being Iraqi, any car made by General Motors, bacon, ham, any processed...

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And They're Off to a Standing Start

(0) Comments | Posted 15 June 2014 | (15:07)

The Cross of St George flutters from vans and cars and from the bedrooms of houses and that can only mean one thing: the British National Party Conference is on. Unless it is the World Cup which has brought them out. It is one of the few occasions that we...

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Reasons to Be Fearful, Part 3,456,872

(0) Comments | Posted 6 June 2014 | (11:51)

Britain is offering 1,000 troops and the tanks they can still start to NATO so they can put on a show in Poland that they think will put Vlad the Insaner back in his box. They don't know him very well, do they? This is a man who has probably...

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A Functionary's Meddling Is Never Done

(0) Comments | Posted 3 June 2014 | (14:46)

Modern life is rubbish. Actually, modern life is sorting rubbish. And then paying someone to take it away. This is on top of your council tax, which you thought covered that, but doesn't.

You can add it to the things that your council tax does not cover, like providing...

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The Tale of the Masticating Miliband

(0) Comments | Posted 26 May 2014 | (14:38)

Ed Milliband has been hoist by his own PR. With the press on high oddness alert, what was it that possessed him to attack a dead pig sandwich in public, with the cameras pointed at him? Was he so overcome with hunger that he couldn't make it from breakfast to...

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How Do You Like Your Eggs?

(0) Comments | Posted 9 May 2014 | (15:24)

Pollution is changing your sex. If pollution was getting you more sex, it would be nice. It isn't though, and it may just deprive you of having it for the rest of your life, particularly if you are are a thick-lipped grey mullet. That's not me getting personal, that is...

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Prepare to be Terminated

(1) Comments | Posted 8 May 2014 | (13:53)

Are you comfortably middle class? Being comfortably middle class used to mean never having to worry about your job being taken by a machine. The people whose livelihoods have been decimated by computer chips are those that did society's heavy lifting. People who banged things in factories and hoiked weights...

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P.E? N.O!

(0) Comments | Posted 30 April 2014 | (17:02)

Would you like to join me in some exercise? Just kidding, of course you wouldn't. The nearest to exercise that most people get is hoisting their arm up to sign their gym membership application forms. It is also the last time they will ever go there, in the same way...

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Won't Cook, Won't Cook

(1) Comments | Posted 28 April 2014 | (19:49)

People do not cook food any more. They eat it, right enough, but people in the richer postcodes don't actually do any of the cobbling together of ingredients like they used to. "Richer postcodes", in this instance includes everywhere they don't have to carry water back from a stream, five...

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Seconds Out - Round Two

(0) Comments | Posted 3 April 2014 | (18:08)

What a couple of ding-dongs! The debates, I mean, not those taking part. LBC and the BBC allowed our two heroes to square up to each other over the course of a brace of battles. Who came out the winner?

First, let's examine our pugilists. Nick Clegg looked initially serene...

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How Not To Get Kate Bush Tickets

(0) Comments | Posted 28 March 2014 | (15:06)

7.30am. Too early, go back to sleep but set the alarm for 8.45 just in case. Need to be breakfasted and alert. This may take some time and effort.

8.30, can't sleep. Turn on the computer, get it warmed up and ready. Check on broadband connection, collect two credit cards,...

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How to Succeed in Politics in Seven Easy Lessons

(1) Comments | Posted 3 March 2014 | (13:19)

Lesson One

Be different. The newspapers recently posted a picture of the three leaders of the main parties waiting to greet some functionary. They wore the same suit, and I mean the exact same suit - midnight blue, two buttoned, notch lapelled, single breasted. Their shirts were identical Persil white;...

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