Nick Abbot
Currently, I am heard on LBC 97.3 in London and online on Friday and Saturday at 10pm.

I have three collections of columns on Amazon, the latest of which is here :

Entries by Nick Abbot

A XXX Gift From The Gods

(0) Comments | Posted 6 May 2016 | (15:16)

A day after a solar eclipse swept across Southeast Asia, Indonesian villagers thought they had been blessed by an angel fallen from heaven when a beautiful doll washed up on a beach.

Reports of a holy offering spread like wildfire through the community, after one of their number found the...

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A Wave Of Un-migration

(0) Comments | Posted 2 April 2016 | (14:21)

There is an interminable wait until the nation gets to choose whether they like the lies that the "Better off Out" or "Stronger In" sides are using to batter the public into doing what they want.

The 23rd of June seems like an age away. It will certainly feel like...

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Come On R2, Drive My Car

(1) Comments | Posted 18 March 2016 | (13:24)

It used to be that the least reliable part of a car was the engine, then it was the electrics and now, the most unreliable component in the modern car is the dumbbell driving it.

Pretty soon we will be relieved of the trouble of doing that and then we...

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Wills and Wotsit: The Great Disappearing Act

(0) Comments | Posted 11 March 2016 | (13:26)

A feckless, work-shy couple have jetted off with their brood on another holiday on the taxpayer in some chavvy resort favoured by the Russian criminal class and given this country a two fingered riposte to the idea that they should work more and spend less.


The Duke and Duchess...

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Being Boring's Best

(0) Comments | Posted 30 September 2015 | (10:52)

New research has found that we are gullible types who will believe anything that comes after the phrase "new research has found". Well, I might have found the sticking point of disbelief - new research has found that men spend more on clothes than women.

I know, ridiculous. Men...

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Animals Watch Out, There's a Human About

(0) Comments | Posted 30 July 2015 | (17:01)

Cecil the Lion sounds like the title of a Disney film and his demise at the hands of the Driller Killer (Copyright N. Ferrari) has caused the nation, nay, the world to burst into tears and yank the three-ply from the nearest box of tissues.

Let me state from...

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Red Card And A Penalty

(0) Comments | Posted 28 May 2015 | (15:19)

Everyone who has ever had anything to do with football is currently in a Swiss jail awaiting a long stay at her majesty's pleasure, or whatever is the equivalent in the land of the cuckoo clock.

Those football executives who are not currently behind bars must either be expecting a...

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(2) Comments | Posted 25 May 2015 | (15:18)

Its been a braw week for wee Surgin' Surgeon and her glaikit pals. They arrived at Westminster like a tram load o' galoots and proceeded tae gae aboot the place like they dinnaeken hoo tae act ootside their ayn hoose. Like a great blootered, bevvied up army o' choobs and...

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The Human Race Has Crossed The Line

(0) Comments | Posted 18 May 2015 | (17:06)

I think I have had it with people. People are not the solution, people are the problem.

I drove to Swansea and back last week, through a torrent, with visibility so bad I could barely see the end of my bonnet. This is normal for Wales. One local said...

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The Royal Issue

(1) Comments | Posted 5 May 2015 | (16:57)

This is getting silly. An increasingly disinterested world is plunged into the desperate maelstrom of a manufactured media obsession about princes and princesses. The press are going large on the birth of a girl to a woman because it has been running with the election for what seems an eternity...

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Honky Honk Women...And Men

(0) Comments | Posted 30 April 2015 | (11:16)

Fifty percent of drivers in the UK admit to breaking traffic laws, which means that the other fifty percent are lying. Everybody breaks traffic laws, it is what they are there for.

Have you ever been on a motorway? Have you ever been on a motorway and driven at...

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The Pack Animal You Can't Ride

(0) Comments | Posted 28 April 2015 | (13:16)

Some people look as though they were separated at birth, even though they are not related at all. Keira Knightley and Natalie Portman are almost exactly the same when viewed from the neck up. Elijah Wood and Daniel Radcliffe are also hard to tell apart. Snoopy Snoopy Dogg Dogg looks...

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We've Found Plenty of Nothin'

(0) Comments | Posted 24 April 2015 | (10:00)

Astronomers have just found nothing. Hold the front page! Actually, they have found so much nothing that it made the news. This nothing is in space, where you would think that nothing would not look out place but this nothing is so humongous that it has men with Biros in...

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Massed Debaters

(0) Comments | Posted 3 April 2015 | (15:10)

The cameras zoomed in on the set of an expensive quiz show for which the prize was priceless. Against a vibrant blue background stood seven lecterns of such violent, rainbow hued luminosity they appeared to have been reclaimed from a Pink Floyd concert. Chris Tarrant did not appear but the...

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On The Cusp of Something BIG

(0) Comments | Posted 2 April 2015 | (14:46)

There has been a lot of uninformed speculation about what the Top Gear men will do next. Allow me to add my own uninformed speculation here.

Commentators have called it the end of an era, that the format is bigger than the stars, that they are doomed to eke out...

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Top Tears

(0) Comments | Posted 26 March 2015 | (12:37)

I write this from the standpoint of a fan. Top Gear is probably my favourite British TV show. I can not imagine sitting for hours watching repeats of any other programmes I have already seen with so much enjoyment. The only physical paper I buy is the Sunday Times and...

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Money for Something

(0) Comments | Posted 25 March 2015 | (13:53)

If it goes on like this, pretty soon there won't be anyone left to vote for. Practically everyone who is an MP, and many who have only thought of becoming one, are currently suspended, pending an investigation into their willingness to accept money from shady sources.

The problem is...

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We Want Our Dinner!

(4) Comments | Posted 16 March 2015 | (11:21)

Was the most important news story of the week that Boko Haram had pledged their allegiance to ISIS to create an international swivel eyed House of Crazy? Was it that Ed Miliband has two kitchens, or three kitchens as is now alleged? Was it that North Korea has started testing...

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Springtime for Nigel

(2) Comments | Posted 28 February 2015 | (13:23)

The Ukip spring get together started just as you would expect: a high kicking, goose stepping, Kugelblitz tank full of jack booted Nazis. They parked their Panzer in Margate and did the Hitler-hi-how-are-you straight armed salutation to the sea front. It could not have gone any better if Albert Speer...

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A Change Is Gonna Come

(0) Comments | Posted 3 February 2015 | (16:46)

In any mature market for fast moving consumer goods, the players are experts that, over the years, have honed their game to sharp elbowed perfection. Every pound is fought over and to increase one's share of it is very difficult to do.

The last thing that came out of...

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