Nick Abbot
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Currently, I am heard on LBC 97.3 in London and online on Friday and Saturday at 10pm.

I have three collections of columns on Amazon, the latest of which is here :

http://www.amazon.co.uk/suppose-youre-wondering-what-about-ebook/dp/B00IEEKLOE/ref=pd_sim_kinc_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=1J8RBQ30H5B60MWWG4JH

Entries by Nick Abbot

Man's Greatest Achievement - Not Getting Sticky

(0) Comments | Posted 7 July 2014 | (13:54)

Summer this year has so far been a blink and you'll miss it affair, but it lasted long enough to cause an explosion of Coca-Cola in Somerset. Not an explosion of sales, an explosion of the actual drink itself.

A man, I will call him Michael Knight, because that is...

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The Tube of Death

(0) Comments | Posted 28 June 2014 | (14:11)

Television will kill you. It is the latest in a long line of things that are reported to be deadly. These include: fruit, urban air, bread, alcohol, over exertion, under exertion, soft cheese, rugby, playing against Louis Suarez, being Iraqi, any car made by General Motors, bacon, ham, any processed...

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And They're Off to a Standing Start

(0) Comments | Posted 15 June 2014 | (14:07)

The Cross of St George flutters from vans and cars and from the bedrooms of houses and that can only mean one thing: the British National Party Conference is on. Unless it is the World Cup which has brought them out. It is one of the few occasions that we...

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Reasons to Be Fearful, Part 3,456,872

(0) Comments | Posted 6 June 2014 | (10:51)

Britain is offering 1,000 troops and the tanks they can still start to NATO so they can put on a show in Poland that they think will put Vlad the Insaner back in his box. They don't know him very well, do they? This is a man who has probably...

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A Functionary's Meddling Is Never Done

(0) Comments | Posted 3 June 2014 | (13:46)

Modern life is rubbish. Actually, modern life is sorting rubbish. And then paying someone to take it away. This is on top of your council tax, which you thought covered that, but doesn't.

You can add it to the things that your council tax does not cover, like providing...

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The Tale of the Masticating Miliband

(0) Comments | Posted 26 May 2014 | (13:38)

Ed Milliband has been hoist by his own PR. With the press on high oddness alert, what was it that possessed him to attack a dead pig sandwich in public, with the cameras pointed at him? Was he so overcome with hunger that he couldn't make it from breakfast to...

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How Do You Like Your Eggs?

(0) Comments | Posted 9 May 2014 | (14:24)

Pollution is changing your sex. If pollution was getting you more sex, it would be nice. It isn't though, and it may just deprive you of having it for the rest of your life, particularly if you are are a thick-lipped grey mullet. That's not me getting personal, that is...

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Prepare to be Terminated

(1) Comments | Posted 8 May 2014 | (12:53)

Are you comfortably middle class? Being comfortably middle class used to mean never having to worry about your job being taken by a machine. The people whose livelihoods have been decimated by computer chips are those that did society's heavy lifting. People who banged things in factories and hoiked weights...

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P.E? N.O!

(0) Comments | Posted 30 April 2014 | (16:02)

Would you like to join me in some exercise? Just kidding, of course you wouldn't. The nearest to exercise that most people get is hoisting their arm up to sign their gym membership application forms. It is also the last time they will ever go there, in the same way...

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Won't Cook, Won't Cook

(1) Comments | Posted 28 April 2014 | (18:49)

People do not cook food any more. They eat it, right enough, but people in the richer postcodes don't actually do any of the cobbling together of ingredients like they used to. "Richer postcodes", in this instance includes everywhere they don't have to carry water back from a stream, five...

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Seconds Out - Round Two

(0) Comments | Posted 3 April 2014 | (17:08)

What a couple of ding-dongs! The debates, I mean, not those taking part. LBC and the BBC allowed our two heroes to square up to each other over the course of a brace of battles. Who came out the winner?

First, let's examine our pugilists. Nick Clegg looked initially serene...

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How Not To Get Kate Bush Tickets

(0) Comments | Posted 28 March 2014 | (14:06)

7.30am. Too early, go back to sleep but set the alarm for 8.45 just in case. Need to be breakfasted and alert. This may take some time and effort.

8.30, can't sleep. Turn on the computer, get it warmed up and ready. Check on broadband connection, collect two credit cards,...

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How to Succeed in Politics in Seven Easy Lessons

(1) Comments | Posted 3 March 2014 | (12:19)

Lesson One

Be different. The newspapers recently posted a picture of the three leaders of the main parties waiting to greet some functionary. They wore the same suit, and I mean the exact same suit - midnight blue, two buttoned, notch lapelled, single breasted. Their shirts were identical Persil white;...

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God Save the Queen... From Being a Man

(0) Comments | Posted 25 February 2014 | (14:38)

When David Cameron put forward legislation to legalise same sex marriage, he can not have imagined the full implications of this new law. Or, to put it another, more Ukip-ian way: the PM made a big mistake when he rammed gay marriage down our throats.

It caused rain to fall...

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It's SO Unfair!

(0) Comments | Posted 19 February 2014 | (12:34)

The kids are revolting. And they are revolting against stereotyping by the media. That is so typical of them, what with their whining and their egotism and their thinking that they are the centre of the universe. Unless that is stereotyping, in which case I take it back (and taking...

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Moving Part 2: Top Tips For Success

(0) Comments | Posted 18 December 2013 | (09:59)

I expected to be writing this surrounded by the destroyed remains of my every possession. I thought that my removal men would have reduced all that I own to its constituent molecules. I was sure that they would have thoroughly smashed all of my things and what they didn't lose...

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Moving Part One: Prelude to the Horror

(0) Comments | Posted 28 November 2013 | (10:06)

I am moving flat. This has led to a massive upheaval, mostly in my cupboards. My cupboards contain what must be the world's largest collection of things that no-one could ever want or need. There are things in there that make a video cassette player look useful. And there's a...

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In Out, In Out, Smoking All About

(0) Comments | Posted 27 November 2013 | (18:12)

The smoking of marijuana cigarettes, doobies and jazz fags, is so rife in Brixton prison that an inspection team recently came out reeking of the stuff. For a brief moment, they thought about arresting themselves. Apparently, the inmates find it easier to get hold of the insane Mary Jane than...

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New Drugs Warning

(2) Comments | Posted 22 November 2013 | (11:23)

Incredible news: cocaine makes you stupid. That's right, you heard it here first. For years, models/actors/whatever have been on the C-Plan diet in the hope that not only will it make them skinny but also interesting and sexy as well. Turns out they were wrong on all counts.

Anyone...

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Dreaming of Not Being Average

(0) Comments | Posted 13 November 2013 | (10:51)

A survey just out states that young Britons expect to be earning a salary of £101,001 a year by the time they reach middle age. Isn't that absolutely precious? The part about them reaching middle age, I mean. They have no chance, what with their sedentary lifestyles and...

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