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If You Go Down to the Sea Today, You're in for a Big Surprise

12/08/2013 17:00 BST | Updated 11/10/2013 10:12 BST

Men - are you attached to your testicles? What I mean is: would you miss them if they weren't there?

No, don't go, think of this - if you woke up sans testes, it might render you a more calm and considerate person that might, for instance, not reach for a loaded weapon if another motorist were to sneak in and nab a prime parking space that you had your eye on and were signalling you intended to take.

It might make you feel less inclined to chin some smaller fellow in a pub that looked at your drink or spilled your girlfriend. If you woke up from a restful night to find yourself lacking in the pantaloonies, it might free you of the constant driving force that grips most men in their youth to go forth and get as much interface canoodling action as they can pack in to days that only have twenty four short hours in them.

So gentlemen, can I interest you in forgoing a significant percentage of your personal areas? No? Then don't go swimming in Sweden.

This is excellent advice that you should write down and consult daily to avoid disappointment, for off the coast of the place where the Viking once roamed is to be found an animal that is just as keen on a gentleman's most private possessions as he is himself, except that it wants them not for procreation, it wants them for its dinner.

Experts have warned, in a loud and hysterical voice, that there exists in the waters off the country's southern coast The Testicle Munching Fish Of The Amazon. I am not making that up.

Fishermen in Sweden's Oresund Sound recently reeled in a foot long pacu fish that is a relative of the piranha, which is a favourite of film makers who wish to give their audiences the willies, so to speak.

The pacu is normally to be found in the warmer waters of South America and represents the best reason known to Man for striking the entire continent off their holiday lists. The example that these fishermen caught is, if you will forgive me, just a tiddler as it can grow to a massive three feet long and weigh 55 pounds, which in nightmare terms is approximately the size of an ocean going liner and has been nicknamed "the ball cutter" for its attacks on those things which men hold dear. If you are a man reading this, you may be holding them dear at this moment.

May I counsel that you do not look up this fish on the World Wide Wait. You should most certainly not attempt to obtain a picture of the animal, as once seen it can not be unseen and may prevent you from falling asleep for the rest of your life. It is as ugly as an extra on Eastenders and looks like a sea creature with your grandmother's dentures in its mouth that it has filed sharp for the purpose of scaring anyone who lays eyes on it. Its normal diet consists of aquatic vegetation, snails and ( I swear this is true) nuts.

In areas where these monsters congregate, fisherman have bled to death after coming into contact with The Testicle Munching Fish Of The Amazon, which must rate as among the worst ways to go alongside getting caught in a bacon slicer or being crushed to death by a man-hug from Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government Eric Pickles.

The Swedish authorities state that the pacu is not normally dangerous but if they are hungry they may bite and (this is a direct quote) "testicles sit nicely in their mouth". These experts, unaware that there is such a thing as sharing too much, also state that the pacu have different teeth from their cousin the piranha, which they say are : "flatter, stronger, perfect for crushing".

In an announcement that may set a new benchmark in understatement they suggest that, given the circumstances, paddlers would be best advised to keep their swimwear on while taking the waters of the Oresund Sound.

For balance, I would put it to the men of Sweden that exiting the entire area forthwith might be a good idea and that a small, carefully directed nuclear attack might be in order, just to be on the safe side.

Late breaking news: The Testicle Munching Fish Of The Amazon has also been spotted in lakes and inlets in several states in North America as well. Texans are so fond of their manly appendages that they have offered a $100 bounty on any pacu caught there. This is more like it and represents the fightback that bathing men of the world have been crying out for. Not for nothing is their state's motto "Don't mess with Texas or you'll have bitten off more than you can chew".

In closing, may I wish you a pleasant holiday wherever you may be heading this summer and if you really need to take a dip, my official advice is: do not do so in any body of water that is not surrounded by tiles.