THE BLOG

Wills and Wotsit: The Great Disappearing Act

11/03/2016 15:58 GMT | Updated 12/03/2017 09:12 GMT

A feckless, work-shy couple have jetted off with their brood on another holiday on the taxpayer in some chavvy resort favoured by the Russian criminal class and given this country a two fingered riposte to the idea that they should work more and spend less.

Or...

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have taken their lovely children on a well earned break in the charming French mountain village of Courcheval, a favourite of the gilded jet-set, and have given the country a series of heart-warming pictures of the family for which we are truly grateful.

Wills and Wotsit are off on another break from their hectic routine of smiling and waving. When David Cameron jaunts off, he regularly goes by the please-the-public holiday rulebook and travels on Easyjet.

The Cambridges went by private jet.

So as to avoid meeting any smelly, needy, gawping members of the public, Wills made use of the Duke of Wesminster's plane to get to Courcheval. They did not alert the press that they were going and they only told us all that they had been when they got back. We did not notice they were away because they are practically invisible when they are here.

The couple took one friendly photographer from the fourth estate to send back pictures of the happy couple, as a sop to the proles back home. All other reporters and snappers were banned. And in the spirit of openness and free speech they went through this photographer's work and selected just six pics that they wanted everyone to see and no other picture was allowed to be published.

The payback for their fantasy lifestyle is that we, the public are granted access. We want them to come and open things and cut ribbons and make speeches before we give them a free dinner and they take off in our helicopter.

We like the waving but we have to see them do it.

The point is that Wills doesn't. He only pretends to work as an air ambulance pilot. How many other people that do that job can show up when they want and then only for a couple of hours a day? That's not a job, it is a hobby. Actually, it's not a hobby, it is a shield to deflect criticism from a young man who doesn't do much for the fabulous riches he has been gifted.

What he is really supposed to do is all that royal stuff which is now the purpose of the institution. He has had three so called royal engagements in as many months. And a royal engagement can be just showing up for lunch and asking some specially selected someone if they have come far. It's not hard and he doesn't even do that.

As an incredibly well rewarded member of the royal family, we want them to stand there in the rain while a choir sings a song to them. We want them to work the crowd and look pleased if some demented member of the public with green teeth pushes through to give them a pair of nylon slippers. We want to see them gratefully take some wilted posy from a child thrust forward by their parent.

In other words, we want them to act a little more like a Disney prince and princess, because that's what we pay for.

So pucker up Prince William. Put your best smile on Princess Thingy. It is your job. Get out there among us. There are less pleasant ways to earn a crust. You could be down the pit. Or working as a butler for fifteen grand a year in Buckingham Palace.