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Am I Paranoid, Or...?

Posted: 28/06/2012 15:08

Earlier this week Jonathan Evans, head of MI5, warned us that democracy and freedom for Arabs threatened democracy and freedom in the United Kingdom as it gave Al Qaeda more opportunity to associate and plot. Mr Evans didn't say how the civilian casualties being sustained in drone attacks in Pakistan and Yemen were affecting the recruitment and eagerness of people to become terrorists, so obviously, that can't be a factor in our unpopularity, or I'm sure he would have said. Lucky that. Especially for decision-makers in the defence industry, whose consciences otherwise would surely be wrestling every day with an intractable moral conflict between killing lots of innocent people counter-productively and maximising profit margins.

Within 48 hours of MI5 identifying the liberty of others as a menace to the United Kingdom, a new, greater one looms on the horizon. (Almost literally, if one were standing on a tall tower on the south coast of England.) The island of Jersey is threatening to break its link with Britain in retaliation against the draconian proposal from Downing Street that Jersey might want to narrow the gap in its banking and tax regulations between what is technically legal and what is conventionally considered immoral and unfair. Anyone would be angry when suggestions of financial immorality are floated in your direction you by a Conservative Prime Minster, but on the other hand, Jersey must accept that when its comes to talking of tax evasion, Mr Cameron is probably some kind of expert, or at least probably knows a man who is. Even if that man is by his own insistence, not George Osborne, who has apparently never even heard of Vodafone.

Faced with this totalitarian pressure on its most cherished freedom - the right of rich greedy people the world over to deprive their national economies of billions of pounds - Jersey is considering declaring full independence from the Crown.

The consequences for Britain, globally overstretched on the military front, are potentially catastrophic. Without the resources to challenge the island's secessionist forces (a fearsome combination of hoteliers, financial advisers and the elite Seasonal Agricultural Workers from Portugal), Britain would probably have to meekly accept the situation and settle for the disturbing prospect of paying slightly higher prices for early new potatoes from its new super-power neighbour in years to come.

But the horror scenario doesn't stop there. Yesterday, Tony Blair, Middle East Peace Envoy, (a job he took to show he has a sense of humour) told the London Evening Standard that he would be happy to be prime minister again. The reaction in Britain was a collective "Good luck on finding a country happy to have you" - the first time a whole nation has thought exactly the same words at the same time since...well, last Sunday night, when Ashley Cole's penalty rolled tamely into Gianluigi Buffon's gloves.

But is it really coincidence that Blair says this on the very same day Jersey floats the idea of independence? I'm sure you don't have to be born in Jersey to be Chief Villager or whatever they call it. In fact bringing foreign DNA to a gene-pool undoubtedly shallower than Gyles Brandreth is probably compulsory. So Blair charms his way into the affections of the super rich of Jersey. He wins the election. FIne; what's it got to do with us? It's just like him having a big train set, isn't it? Gives him something to do when he's not working on his tan or looking sincere in Gaza. But next thing we know, he could be standing up in the Jersey Parliament, or Lounge Bar, as it's officially known, backing the proposed United States' invasion of Britain (on economic grounds - nothing personal - the drones need more targets, got an industry to feed) and declares that its more powerful neighbour to the North is run by a government causing terrible suffering to its people - (almost as right as last time), and that it has WMD which could be launched within 45 minutes (much righter than last time)... Just a thought.

 

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