Ever since I recovered from a comma, double comma, people started suggesting new phrases to me all the time, thinking I'm some sort of a dialect-oracle and meme-prophet capable of coining anything into ฿itcoins. The question is - could I really make money by just tweeting axioms and aphorisms? That's ridic. In any case I went ahead and wrote this series of state-of-the-art youthemisms to all the youngsters out there who need a bit of a turd polish.
The list is pretty brisk, and is tangibly becoming a thing, on a nice level, like, a fancy, nice, level. If you're a social media climber like I am I bet you know by now that we're only as self-indulgent as our last tweet, and, ad lib, as I mentioned to a girl called @sosadtoday - the secret is to make alienation work for you.
Catalogue of new phrases:
Shagging a hashtag. Placing your middle finger inside a finger-hashtag situation. I wrote extensively on fingerhashtags for WIRED. Billie JD Porter hyphened the 'Hashag'. Google her.
Reality is beyond surreal, and it's for real. Hence Forrealism. By Sasha Nixon. Google her.
03) Awkin' out
New way to freak-out in an awkwardly fashion. Awkin' ell. Faux pas > Awks pas.
Let people know you stopped caring about them by tweeting 'Sorry for unfollowing' and 'Sorry for unfavoriting.' Retweet is the new amen and unfavoriting is blasphemy.
Icons make you iconoclastic while Emojis make the best ideograms. Fred Macpherson came up with the Emojinal:
Emojinal blackmail.— Fred Macpherson (@fredmacpherson) March 30, 2013
Taking a selfie in a humble way, selfie contained.
A weird and awk karaoke situation.
09) My gos
I love Ryan Gosling. Oh my gos.
Take selfies while having low self-esteem. Insta-competent. By Zoë Jenkin from ASOS.
Make someone who followed you unfollow you, in one word.
12) R$VP Rocky
When A$AP Rocky RSVPs your party.
Lena Dunham sliced it:
I napped at work and dreamed a new word: grunch. Grunch is a brunch where all the diners grow emotionally over the course of the meal.— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) April 25, 2013
14) Dye in your arms (tonight)
Getting your hair deep-dyed at BLEACH. Alex Brownsell and Sam Teasdale (google them) own it. Sam's sister Lou is not verified on Twitter even though she's got more than 743K followers.
15) Cartier Dildo
Sold in Cannes and Monaco during the Cannes Film Festival and the Monaco Grand Prix.
Alexa Chung made it up since she hates procrastinating.
Procrastinhate— alexa chung (@alexa_chung) March 30, 2013
There's also a term for Procrastination and Masturbation:
Wank-off while driving aka Drive-by shooting.
18) Life is Shish
As in shish kebab. Tweeted by Mangal2, the no.1 ocakbasi restaurant:
Shish happens. Meal with it.— Mangal 2 Restaurant (@Mangal2) February 4, 2013
19) Scroll-down sex
Mouse down on your boyf till reaching a pleasure point.
Someone who's kinda Jewish. Jew-ish.
My cock is a semi-semitic rifle.— Nimrod Kamer (@nnimrodd) April 14, 2013
21) Facetious Phew
Saying facetious is fastidious, so you say 'phew' after it. Factitious phew you.
Double YOLO. A 1967 Bond film.
Watching a Bond film. YOLT.— Adam Kay (@amateuradam) April 4, 2013