THE BLOG

Pregnancy Advice to Ignore - The Eleven Bits of Bulls**t to Ignore When Pregnant!

21/07/2014 17:33 BST | Updated 20/09/2014 10:59 BST

Pregnancy the next time around delivers a bevy of beauties commonly known as a bump on steroids, cankles at 12 weeks and nauseating exhaustion as you and your fast expanding girth chase around after a demented toddler on speed. However, it also arms you with the golden chalice of pregnancy hind sight and knowledge of the pregnancy advice to ignore.

Oh yes, no longer do you have to sit through patronising chats from "the experts" who went before you into pro creation. No longer do you have to nod in quiet agreement with the pregnancy "advice" from someone who gave birth in the last generation due to the fear that you are a novice and must take on board every scrap and tit bit of information (welcome or not). Yes everyone and anyone dying to spurt their pearls of wisdom in your face from your work colleagues to the over familiar stranger that stops you in the street can, quite frankly "Do one". You are now on equal pegging and no longer have to listen to "advice" that makes you feel inadequate, patronised or like you haven't got a clue.

So for any first time mum to be, currently being subjected to hours of unwanted advice and comments on how they should be handling their pregnancy, what they should or should not be doing and what type of mum they should be aiming to be, here is a list for you to pin up in your consciousness to remind you that when it comes to parenting no one is a God damn expert (no matter what they tell you at length) and anyone who has pushed a baby out and into this world should know better than to offer up advice un asked for as they were once in your shoes and should therefore, bloody well know better.

The Baby Bible's Eleven Bits of Bullshit to Ignore when Pregnant

1. "Remember you are pregnant you are NOT ill"

REALLY? Have you really just said that bullshit to my green around the gills, "If I have to smell that waft of air freshener or whiff another over ripe banana I am going to puke my guts right up over you!" face. Oh and I should feel grateful should I that I ONLY have 12 weeks of this to endure all whilst pretending that I am fine and bloody dandy? That my tits don't ache beyond recognition? That my skin is not itching all over like I am infested with a billion creepy crawlies? That I am rushing to the toilet to dry wretch every half hour? All whilst my brain is on high alert panicking over every slight twinge and my body just wants to wave the white flag and surrender into a crumpled heap on the floor. Anyone who dares to breathe these words to you whilst pregnant deserves a short, sharp punch in the gut.

2. "Don't be too precious about yourself"

WTF?! You are growing a human being all on your own. That's right tiny feet, hands, heart and a brain to name just a few of the awe inspiring tasks you are completing successfully on a weekly basis! If anyone deserves to be treated like a precious commodity it is you and your growing bump! Over the years the term "precious" has been used as a derogatrary term "Ohh she's a bit precious" "Ohh you don't have to be so precious about yourself" Well I am saying a big up yours to these idiots who dare say this to expectant or new mums. Taking care of yourself and doing what feels right for you and your bump whilst pregnant is top of your agenda and to hell with anyone who uses the "P" word.

3. "You have to carry on as normal"

NORMAL - Are you kidding me?! There is nothing "normal" or day to day about harbouring a human stowaway in your body for 9 months and then passing it through the eye of a needle that is your vagina. Fantastic if you feel great and want to go to all the social engagements and gym classes going, however, if the thought of keeping up appearances and making out that you feel "blooming and bursting with energy" is making you want to squeeze lemon onto the backs of your eyeballs then just say NO! Yes, the magic word that evaporates all responsibilities and hassle of having to get ready in a bump flattering outfit, paint on a smile and pretend that you wouldn't rather be at home in your PJs, watching Corrie and eating chocolate biscuits.

4. "You need to make sure you pass the baby around as much as possible as you don't want to be one of those clingy mums"

For the love of God your baby is a small person not the latest gadget on the market that warrants being passed around from one visitor to the next. Yes everyone likes a cuddle with a tiny baby, however, it is not a pre requisite that you have to do this and that your little one just days or weeks old should be passed around like baby pass the parcel, for fear that heaven forbid the baby gets too attached to it's mum! Seriously, who comes up with this shit! If you want to keep your tiny person all to yourself enjoying cuddles just you and them, even with a house full of visitors then so be it. You are the mum and the decision is entirely up to you and any good post baby visitor worth their weight in guest etiquette will wait to be offered a hold (if you want). And as for being a "clingy" mum or making a "clingy" baby, if you can't cuddle your baby as much as possible and have them all to yourselves during those tiring but equally magical first few weeks then when the hell can you?

5. "Dummies are the Devil"

Similar to formula, co sleeping, disposable nappies, jarred food and a whole long and wittering list of things that people from the outside looking in class as "the devil" the use of dummies is down to personal choice. If it soothes your newborn and stops them from screaming the house down for ten seconds - fabulous! If you think they look "chavvy" and don't want your child to use one - so be it! Or if you think they are the best thing since ice pack sanitary pads - go get yourself a shed load as quite frankly the choice is yours and yours alone. Anyone trying to pass their own judgement on to you about dummies or any other child rearing technique you decide on should be swiftly reminded that it's not their child and therefore, none of their bloody business!

6. "In my day there was none of this nonsense about what you should and shouldn't be doing when pregnant"

Yes, but you also had parent and baby books advising you that smoking was ok as long as it was in moderation! Obviously, there are some things that can now seem a bit OTT when it comes to all the things pregnant mums need to remember as out of bounds and harmful to themselves and their growing baby. However, some of these restrictions are there for a valid reason (thus being a little well proven thing called medical advancements) and just because they were not around 30 years ago does not mean that they are a "scare mongering" tactic or that as mums we are being "fussy" and over cautious if we abide by them. We are just doing what has been advised to us to best bring our baby into this world so please don't try and make us feel otherwise.

7. "Back away from my Bump!"

Get your over eager and over familiar hands off my stomach! I did not invite them there and I do not appreciate being unexpectedly manhandled mid conversation. They come at you from out of nowhere and before you know it you have a pair of hands feeling and rubbing their way across your stomach whilst you look on in shock and dismay. And as your pregnancy and size of bump progresses it appears you are fair game for anyone to have a grope. The worst being the totally inappropriate tummy terrorists who think that feeling the lower part of your bump is acceptable rather than verging on sexual harassment. "Don't you realise your hands are sitting on the top of my vagina! Please get the hell away from me!"

8. ANY comment on the size of your Bump or how you look

The only comment anyone should pass about the size of your bump or appearance during pregnancy is to tell you how great you look. I don't care if you are the size of a hippo on steroids or are alternatively on the smaller side, no one should be passing comment or judgement at least not out loud and not to your face! Comments such as "Wow you're getting big" should be met with "No shit Sherlock, I'm growing a human what's your excuse" and anyone who dares comment "Wow you're tiny are you sure that's normal" should be met with a kick to the shin.

9. "When can we come and Stay?"

"Hmmmm you can't!". Visitors popping in for an hour is one thing once you have had your baby. Hopefully they will come baring prepared meals and compliments and no expectations of being hosted and will then be on their merry way after whipping the hoover around and washing up their tea cups. Overnight house guests you don't have to say yes to, you have become a mum not a B&B!

10. "I do know what I'm doing, I have had children of my own"

Quite frankly I don't care if you're the old lady in the shoe or the Super Nanny. You may have children of your own - congratulations! However, you have never had my children and therefore, you will do as I say when it comes to looking after them. Warranted, having children of your own helps when it comes to the basics of knowing how to change nappies, winding and wiping up sick. However, the main thing it should aide us all in, is being able to relate to other mums. Therefore, we should all know that proclaiming how many children you have bared in response to a mum asking you to do something that you feel is obvious with their child is not helpful but just snidey. It belongs in the same dump as anyone daring to say that a mum is being "over sensitive" just because they don't agree or like something that has been said to them. There is just no need. End of.

11."Ohhh make the most of your sleep/life/anything in general as when the baby comes your life is over!"

Just shut the f*&% up will you!

Want to discuss how you are feeling about being a mum, warts and all, NO JUDGEMENT? Come join the No Bullshit Mum Revolution and pop into The Confessional to chat to other likeminded and straight talking mums, follow us on Twitter @thebabybible find us on Facebook and join us on the closed Facebook Group by sending your email address to Olivia@the-baby-bible.com All mums welcome!