10 Ways to Survive Christmas

17/12/2015 17:18 GMT | Updated 17/12/2016 10:12 GMT

It's beginning to look at lot like that time of year where we spend too much money, eat too much food and have to pretend that we like each other.

If you aren't one of the two people on the planet that lives for Christmas, then below are some tips that will help you survive the festive period without any Santa's, reindeer, adults, children, Christmas trees, TV sets and pretty much anything else being harmed in the process:

Drink a lot - Drinking excessively throughout December is like not following through with New Year's resolutions during the rest of the year, it is expected, so take full advantage. A hangover is much more enjoyable to deal with than your Aunt Linda rabbiting on about how all her kids have Nobel Prizes for their contribution to administration and HR.

Eat a lot - Eating a lot goes hand in hand with drinking a lot. They are winter bedfellows. The more you eat the more chance you have of reaching a food induced coma which Auntie Linda isn't going to be able to talk you round from, win win!

Invest in Elasticated Trousers - If you are single then these will come in handy during Christmas gatherings when everyone's talking about how brilliant everyone's partners are and how lucky they are to be together, while you just sit there, in the corner with the buffet table, drowning your sorrows over the cocktail sausages, knowing the only thing that will be keeping you warm this Christmas is your extra chin.

Watch Films - There are so many brilliant films on offer over the Christmas period to get you out of socialising, such as Home Alone, Elf, Miracle on 34th Street and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. This is also a nice festive way to drown out the sound of your family arguing over who really won at Twister.

Shop Online - Avoid feeling like you're in an episode of The Crystal Maze by doing all your shopping from the comfort of your sofa, in your dressing gown, while you tuck in to your 4th bag of Mini Cheddars (they are moreish!) and watch Jessica Fletcher dominate Cabot Cove. You know what they say "If you can't get a present online it's not worth having!" (As far as anyone I'm buying presents for is concerned that IS an actual saying).

Play Games - Cluedo and charades are fine but I'm talking the most physical and life threatening games you can find. Think The Hunger Games. This will eliminate the weaker family members leaving you with the strongest, smartest and most fun.

Create a Generic 'Life Story' Text Message - Save yourself the hassle of having to answer the same questions over and over again by creating a generic message that can be copy and pasted out to all the family. The message will cover what job you currently have, how it is in fact a REAL job, who you last went on a date with, what his parents do, what you had for dinner last night, how long since you've left university, what your degree is in, where you're living now and why you still aren't a millionaire. You could even add in a little timeline of when you think you might be getting married and having your first and second child. You could even throw in a few Christmas tree and Santa emojis if you're feeling extra festive.

Keep a Full Battery - A full battery is crucial to survival over Christmas. Some might say THE most important thing, because without a phone you will not be able to spend your Christmas day avoiding people by being sat on Facebook and twitter. You will actually have to talk to them and you cannot let that happen.

Yankee Candles - Yankee provide an array of Christmas inspired scented candles and I'm sure that if you light enough of them you will probably be able to achieve some kind of festive high, taking the edge off things.

And lastly, if you don't think any of the above will save you this Christmas then leave the country. Run as far away from Christmas as you can. Because on a beach in the middle of the south pacific no one cares that you only brought them a fridge magnet and a tin of mints with their name on, and no one's going to tell be like "why are you in your bikini, its Christmas day and its -1, you are putting everyone off their Turkey". Free yourself from your tinsel covered shackles and just run...

2015-12-17-1450355499-1170512-merrychristmasyafilthyanimal_grande.jpg