THE BLOG

Train Club - Metros, Mayhem, BO

15/10/2015 10:52 BST | Updated 14/10/2016 10:12 BST

Welcome to Train Club, a place for weary commuters to learn the etiquette of train travel...

Thousands of people cram themselves into train carriages every day, slowly losing the will to live whilst spooning complete strangers.

We pay above the odds for the privilege of sitting in a metal capsule getting showered & sprayed with peoples DNA and we don't even get their number at the end of it...just Ebola.

The experience really doesn't need to be any more traumatic than it already is, so below are a few rules which all should observe:

The 1st Rule of Train Club: You do not talk about TRAIN CLUB.

2nd Rule of Train Club: You DO NOT talk about TRAIN CLUB, or talk at all, ever.

3rd Rule of Train Club: You do not make eye contact with others on the platform.

4th Rule of Train Club: Bags do not get their own seat.

5th Rule of Train Club: If it is your first morning at train club, you will move to the back of the platform and be last to board. You have to earn your right to push the door button.

6th Rule of Train Club: No big rucksacks, no suitcases.

7th Rule of Train Club: Laughing, chewing, phone calls, loud music, bodily contact, smiling and breathing are forbidden.

And the 8th and final Rule of Train Club: Outside of the platform environment you are complete strangers. You will walk past each other with nothing more than a look. A look that says I know what horrors you have to endure every morning. I've stood with you when you've had to inhale the smell of the toilet, I've seen you at your coldest when the train was 32 minutes late, I caught you when you tripped over someone's discarded Metro, but you will carry on walking, as if you've never seen each other before.

Even if you, yourself, observe these rules, you will still be faced with ignorant pinheads and blatant flouters. That old lady is always going to think her bag deserves the seat more than you, because apparently when you buy a £10 handbag from BHS it comes with a clause which prevents you from putting it anywhere near a floor. Dave who works in human resources is always going to manspread, that kid with the Beats By Dre headphones is always going to play Now That's What I Call Rap 89 too loud and Karen with the two kids, one that likes horse riding and one that NEVER eats their food, is always going to be chowing down on her breakfast bagel because the one that wouldn't eat its food made her late.

So how do we deal with these reprobates? Well, some of the more attractive options end in prison time so I suggest that you make friends with coffee, keep your head down, hold your breath and spend your entire life savings on therapy sessions.