Elizabeth Mitchell is filling in for Paddy Duffy this week

Cultivating the gnome-filled garden of news

This week has seen the repeated throwing of the metaphorical rattle out of the eclectic pram that is the vortex of UK politics.

The typical whisperings of the Conservative grassroots became...

Elizabeth Mitchell is filling in for Paddy Duffy this week

Capturing the criminal of news

This week has been dominated by various exits, whether desired, dreaded or downright dozy.

Once more, the seemingly ugly head that is the monster issue of Britain's EU membership has been raised....

Dan Colley is filling in for Paddy Duffy this week

Biting the postman of news

This week's news was defined by the gaffers and their subordinates. Be they defiant, waning or retiring it seems that there has been some leadership shifts and mask slips this week in UK politics.

The...

The joyously casual rally co-driver of news

The UK and Ireland has been festooned with talent shows this last decade, and have completely permeated (or is that punctured?) popular culture in that time. But it's got to the point where it seems the Irish government is using Britain's...

Biting The Chelsea Defender Of News

It seemed for a while there that Mondays had struck up some kind of deal with the rolling news stations. A few weeks ago Margaret Thatcher died, forcing 24 hour news to get out their Latin incantation book and summon...

In St Paul's Cathedral, where Margaret Thatcher's ceremonial funeral takes place tomorrow, is the epitaph to that magnificent building's architect, Sir Christopher Wren. It reads, "if you seek his monument, look around you"

It's fitting then that Thatcher's journey would end there because, love her or hate her, for better...

Last weekend, Ireland was consumed by something terrible, something dark, something that could tear the fabric of Irish society apart as we know it. Yes, Ireland has been struck dumb by the menace of threesomes.

Don't laugh, it's desperately serious. Soon this menace will spread and before you...

The penny off a pint of news

Yeah, it's probably either pouring down or snowing wherever you are (unwanted snow; I used to think that could only be an oxymoron), but as you lurch home into the teeth of the oncoming gale, you may think to yourself "At least it's...

Today is St Patrick's Day, and as Irish communities the world over (and indeed the communities who just fancy being Irish for the day) celebrate the wearing of the green, up in Dublin's Phoenix Park luminaries from Irish musical and cultural sphere have gone visiting to the President's residence for...

The "My, what a lovely chimney" of news

'I was Popeless when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes astray', is what I feared I'd have to open with, since the college of cardinals was stubbornly refusing to reach consensus on the new Pope. But then, in time for...

The moonwalking pony of news

You would nearly feel sorry for the Tories. Almost. In a parallel dimension maybe. But the point is, things are not going well for them. They came third in the Eastleigh by-election which, to use the technical term, is bloody awful. Worse yet,...

The nipply Oscar dress of news

When it comes to this week's news, basically nobody knows anything. Nobody in the Lib Dems certainly seems to know anything about Lord Rennard's alleged perving, not least Lord Rennard himself. Nick Clegg doesn't seem to know anything, nor does...

The shop-window mannequin, with no personality of its own, of news

First of all, the media interest in the lonely death of Reeva Steenkamp is understandable. Genuinely world-famous, hitherto inspirational 'iconic' figures aren't often implicated in the violent deaths of their romantic partners. So when such a young woman as...

The 500/1 outsider for Pope of news

No one has any sticktoitiveness any more. Where once the man in the Vatican hot-seat would have held on until the Camerlengo gave him a doink with a hammer, now some Popes seem to think that being God's spokesman on earth...

Falling asleep half way through the Superbowl of news.

On some level, you have to feel sorry for Chris Huhne. He was one of the first Liberal cabinet ministers since the BBC branched out in that new-fangled televisual malarchy, but he lost that. He held a constituency that the Tories...

National Days always have a habit of bringing out an ephemeral interest in some element or other a country's culture and idenity. The 4th of July seems to prompt a surge in radio stations playing Ronald Reagan's favourite Bruce Spingsteen track and ladies wearing stars and...

Kevin Ward fills in again this week, wondering where Paddy Duffy has gone to with that tea he was promised. He sighs sadly at Liverpool FC here.

The Kicked Ballboy of News

We all love to see cheats found out, that's why every time I turn on Eastenders...

The Unhonoured Gift Voucher of News

This week Kevin Ward steps into the disquietingly warm yet comfy seat briefly vacated by Mr. Paddy Duffy. You can troll him vilely at https://twitter.com/WildState

Upon learning today that Blockbuster was to enter administration ("Give us a P45, please Bob! - oh,...

The impressively elaborate musical groom's speech of news.

As the end of 2012 spun us around and shot us out like a faulty astronaut training device into the unknown wilds of 2013, most people have probably started the year disoriented and feeling a wee bit sick.

That's certainly...

July

Queen Elizabeth meets and, wait for it, actually touches Martin McGuinness at Belfast's Lyric Theatre. Around the same time in the London Studios on the Graham Norton Show, Miriam Margolyes meets punctuation-prone popster will.i.am, making the former meeting feel much more normal. The meeting marks...