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Olympic And Mix: A Sporting Glossary

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The great thing about the Olympics is how much it broadens your sporting horizons. The downside however is even though you end up watching a load of sports you regularly wouldn't, they don't always make a whole lot of sense, even after a fortnight of watching them. So, if you're still hugely confused by it all, hopefully this list of the more out-there sports will clear things up:

Dressage: Because sometimes a horse just wants to feel pretty.

Canoe slalom: Like the Kevin Bacon film The River Wild, but with sticks hanging about the place.

Rowing: An excuse to use the world's most awesome word: repechage. Also, to confuse Boris Johnson.

Fencing: A method of solving tavern disputes in 18th century France. Fun fact: En garde is French for "You want some, do ya?"

Handball: Founded in 1982 when a PE teacher noticed a craze among his students that involved taking a small bouncy ball and throwing it at people to cause ricochets and menace. The size of the ball was made larger and they haven't looked back since.

Table Tennis: A competition in which competitors win by serving a ball in the most ridiculously ornate way possible.

Hockey: A game where broken jaws are as regular as substitutions. So dangerous is the game that they have to keep the pitch sodden at all times to make sure the ball doesn't habitually leap up and cause death. Basically, the ball is Hannibal Lecter.

Judo: Founded in 1982 when a PE teacher noticed a fight round the back of the school and decided it would be much more interesting if they did it in bath robes. Bouts are decided by which competitor was cheered on the most, as there is no other discernible way of giving out points.

Discus: The guys who fling out the Clay Pigeons for the shooting event.

Shot put: A yearly competition a la The Ashes between The Hairy Bikers to see who can throw a big ball the farthest.

100 meters: An event where, in spite of their wearing chunky gold chains that could potentially do them facial damage, Carribbeans thoroughly embarrass everyone else.

100m, 110m and 400m Hurdles: Because running bloody fast just isn't enough for some people.

Sailing: I still have no idea, but this guy seems to have the best handle on it yet.