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Olympic and Mix: Diary of An Opening Day

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9:00am - Wake up to the sound of everyone laughing at MItt Romney

11:00am - Try to get into the Olympic spirit by hopping and skipping to the shops and jumping to the post office . End up limping back to the house.

1:00pm - Told by a Bulgarian journalist friend of mine that she has seen rehearsals of the Opening Ceremony, and it's amazing. I'm inclined to believe her: when was the last time you were mislead by a Bulgarian journalist?

5:55pm - Finally getting into the Olympic mode listening to Simon Mayo playing Status Quo on Radio 2. Hey, at least I got there, right?

6:20pm - There's a woman running through the garden maze at Hampton Court with the Olympic torch. Good thing it wasn't Jeremy Hunt or there could have been chaos.

7:00pm - It seems Dizzee Rascal is officially The Oracle of East London.

7:45pm - Settling down to the TV to watch the kick-off point of the pinnacle of athletic achievement. And what better way to do that than by remaining stationary for several hours while grazing on chocolate and nachos?

7:50pm - All eyes on Danny Boyle's masterpiece, but has Peter Jackson had anything to do with this ceremony too? Because The Hobbit Village is looking well.

7:58pm - The BBC broadcast a film about the role of women throughout The Olympics. Apparently Fanny Blankers-Koen won an Olympic medal while pregnant? And we were impressed that Usain Bolt won a medal on chicken nuggets.

8:15pm - The Red Arrows make their flyover. I never really saw the point in all that. I mean, that British Airways ad was way better.

8:31pm - Paddy Power are taking bets on whether the Olympic Village will run out of condoms. Seriously.

8:46pm - I'm starting to think this whole greenery scenery is a loving tribute to Geoff Hamilton.

9:03pm - Two balloons in the "exploding balloon countdown" didn't explode. The whole thing is ruined!

9:10pm - The Olympic Stadium is travelling through time, from a green and pleasant land to an Factory Powerhouse. So far, this is all looking like a massive prog rock concert. "And now, the Industrial Revolution...THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF DANCE!"

9:20pm - There are so many Dickensian mutton chops on display the stadium resembles a fancy dress party where everyone showed up as Bradley Wiggins. Meanwhile, Ken Brannagh is full-on loving life.

9:30pm - Daniel Craig makes a cameo and, amazingly, The Queen makes her acting debut. And, in the spirit of in for a penny in for a pound, jumps out of a helicopter. Awesome.

9:44pm - The performance literally pays a glowing tribute to the UK's glorious health service by spelling out "NHS". Spelling out "Suck it, Romney" was a close second.

9:50pm - Rowan Atkinson gives a glorious rendition of the work of Vangelis. Tonight, the Chariot of Fire is Mr Bean's yellow mini.

10:00pm - A terrific musical montage of Great British music: The Jam. Led Zep. The Beatles. The Rolling Stones. New Order. Soul II Soul. And, of course, Mud.

10:19pm - Emili Sandé gives a performance of Abide With Me that physically extracts all bodily goosebumps.

10:29pm - And now on to the procession! This whole element of the ceremony combines by two great loves: flags and walking.

10:54pm - One of Australasia's larger island nations is walking on to the strains of Stayin' Alive: Fiji's walking on to The Bee Gees.

11:03pm - I now pledge allegiance to the proud nation of Independent Athletes, who are running a few competitors from South Sudan and Netherlands Antilles. I could totally make their table tennis team.

11:20pm - Seeing all these South Pacific nations makes me want to go visit them all. Is there some kind of open-bus tour that takes them all in?

11:37pm - The best picture of the whole Olympics goes viral: German man caught in unfortunate waving pose, Camilla Parker Bowles' exhibits the world's best WTF face, Boris Johnson guffaws. Hilarity ensues.

11:58pm - And now we're finished the flag-walking part of proceedings, with Team GB looking like So Solid Crew. Meanwhile, The Queen cannot even be slightly arsed.

12:04am - The Arctic Monkeys play Come Together while lads on bikes dressed as butterflies cycle round the place. How nice, a Beatles song with Wings.

12:12am - The Tory MP who was sacked for dressing up as a Nazi has been getting a hammering on Twitter for decrying the ceremony as "multicultural crap". Yet in the same tweet, he demands The Stones be brought back, even though Jagger & Co. owe all that British success of theirs to the black music of the American deep south. He's a hateful berk, in other words.

12:27am - And here comes the torch! Mohammad Ali is there, singlehandedly de-drying all eyes in the house. Meanwhile, David Beckham's life is just one big episode of Miami Vice as he spends his whole night at the helm of a speedboat.

12:40am - And here, the strains of Hey Jude still ringing in our ears, is where we leave it. The torch-lighting, a kind of slow catapulty-type thing, was awesome and, while Beijing was a masterclass in timing and precision and spectacle, London's opening ceremony was a triumph of storytelling, cultural heft, artistic flair and cultural diversity. Danny Boyle and all his team played an absolute blinder. And you know the best thing? Olympic Breakfast starts in less than six hours!