THE BLOG

What Kind of Week Has It Been? 15 March 2013

16/03/2013 22:37 GMT | Updated 15/05/2013 10:12 BST

The "My, what a lovely chimney" of news

'I was Popeless when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes astray', is what I feared I'd have to open with, since the college of cardinals was stubbornly refusing to reach consensus on the new Pope. But then, in time for my hunt-and-peck typing, there came a lusty shout of "Habemus Papam. Otherwise, I was going to throw the type of epithets that make "former Sheffield United toiler Curtis Woodhouse start the car. You have to wonder how names get floated about within the conclave, and also how one reacts to one's name being put forward. "I'd be a great Pope, me" would seem to be fairly prideful, really. Perhaps the situation calls for a cardinal to lapse into footballer-speak, "It's always nice to be recognized, but we've got a great bunch of lads here and we're all doing our best for the gaffer, the supreme Creator of all things". I'd elect that man to head the world's largest organized group of woman and homosexual haters (and, bizarrely, the owners of Europe's most happenin' gay bath house).

Elections are probably the furthest thing from Chris Huhne's mind, as he and his ex-wife Vicky Pryce settle down to do their bird in "the Big House", as per Jim McDonald's description of choice. The situation would be funny, if it weren't so sad. Well, even more funny. In ireland too, we've got a transport-troubled TD whose attempts to bluff his way out of being cast as a hypocrite for attacking the entitled political culture that allows parliamentarians to basically go all 'Lethal Weapon II' and claim immunity from things like driving laws while availing of the same privileges have added much to the gaiety of our nation this week. Luke "Ming" Flanagan, a colourful peat-cuttin', joint-smokin' was elected in 2011 and seemed to represent a comingforce in Irish politics, the Peter-Finch-in Network type that was going to stand up against the interests of big business and old politics. But in his frankly whack-a-doodle explanations for how the points on his driving licence disappeared, the Mingster has proven himself to be not dissimilar to giants of Irish public life like *shuffles papers* Liam Lawlor TD, Ray Burke TD, actual sitting TD Michael Lowry yadda yadda and lamentably, yadda. While Huhne is finished in British politics, condemned to present himself as a changed man in the Jonathan Aitken mould after leaving prison, Flanagan will have no trouble getting re-elected. we're a sophisticated lot, we Irish.

This week's news that sent a shudder up my spine came with the revelation that the Mid-Devon District Council is to take a vote on whether to remove apostrophes from street signage to avoid perceived confusion. When the fools and greengrocers are wrong, and please note I have separated them, the correct response is not to drop standards to their level. Otherwise, we shall find ourselves at the mercy of gun-slinging pandas and possible communism, as without the apostrophe possession will be rendered meaningless. While you digest that chilling version of things to come after the Mid-Devon opening of Pandora's (see, see?) Box, here's 'Breaking Bad' as a happy mid-90's family entertainment to lighten your mood on the road to hell. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFjsOZDjnJA

Kevin Ward complains about modern confectionery at https://twitter.com/WildState.