As much as we don't like to admit it and feel bad about even thinking it: Parenting is hard and quite frankly not as much fun as I expected it to be. Don't get me wrong, I was never expecting it to be a breeze but somehow I just thought I would be able to cope with certain situations better.
Being a parent is wonderful, fulfilling, meaningful and has really taught me the true meaning of 'unconditional love' but the truth is recently being a parent has been quite a challenging affair and has left me feeling drained (physically and emotionally), inadequate and with an ever growing feeling of guilt that is hard to shake off.
There are so many challenges we face as parents that I suppose it is impossible to get it right all the time. But I want to and try my very best to.
I want to be the parent that never looses her patience.
I want to be the parent that never shouts.
I want to be the parent that never feels disappointed.
I want to be the parent that doesn't take things to heart.
I want to be the parent that is always fun.
I want to be the parent with all the answers.
I want to be the parent that always makes the right choices.
Sometimes however this is not the parent that I am. Maybe because I can't remember the last time I had a full night's sleep, or because I am under a lot of stress or maybe because I just had enough and I'm only hanging on by a thread, a very very thin thread.
Now, here is where the guilt sets in.
I feel guilty that I hid in the toilet to have a few minutes of quiet.
I feel guilty that I wished I had more time alone.
I feel guilty that sometimes I wish I was at work instead of being at home with the kids.
I feel guilty for loosing my patience.
I feel guilty for taking things to heart.
I feel guilty for looking forward to bedtime so I can finally sit down and have a grown up uninterrupted conversation.
I feel guilty about having all this feelings, however fleeting because I LOVE MY CHILDREN more than anything else in this life and truly cannot imagine my life without them.
You are probably wondering why I'm telling you all this. Why would I admit to such failure? I tell you why. I wanted to share this with you because guilt is a BITCH and once it creeps up on you it can be all consuming and leave you feeling alone.
Surely no one else can possibly feel this way.
Well, you are wrong and I was wrong also. It turns out that there is a dark side to parenting after all and being a parent is not as perfect and sweet and fun all the time.
You are not inadequate.
You are not a failure.
You are just a good parent having a bad day, week or month and YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
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