There's an awful lot of television out there. Sorry, let me rephrase that. There's a lot of awful television out there.
Not a BAFTA botherer among them, here's what actually lurks behind those seldom, if ever, pressed buttons on the Sky remote control units of the chattering classes. At this juncture, Tarquin and Tabatha may just want to put on (what again?) the Brideshead Revisited box set.
125 - TLC. Home to shows such as Say Yes to the Dress which follows events at Manhattan's most celebrated bridal store, 7 Little Johnstons featuring the largest known family of Achondroplastic dwarfs and If Katie Hopkins Ruled The World. This wonders what would happen if Britain's very own voice of reason had the ultimate say over our lives. Compassionate conservatism it ain't. Complete crap it is. Expect its recommissioning shortly.
132 - Alibi. This apparently is where to head for if you want the very best in British and American crime drama (their words, not mine). Shows include Diagnosis Murder, Sue Thomas: F.B. Eye and yet more repeats of New Tricks. Because who doesn't want that? Conveniently, if you're being investigated for committing an offence, telling the police you were in fact at home watching Rizzoli & Isles gives you the perfect, erm, alibi.
144 - Quest. For those people who love to stop and gawp at the entertainment spectacle of motorway accidents - "0h look Brian, a severed head" - programmes like Disaster Eyewitness where passengers are filmed scrambling to safety after their plane explodes in a fireball will be riveting viewing.
145 - Challenge. Never mind Warwick Davis and the inferior revival, relive the glory days of Bob Monkhouse on Celebrity Squares. Not forgetting Jim Bowen on Bullseye, Roy Walker on Catchphrase and Michael Barrymore on Strike it Lucky.
152 - Pick. Take yours from Criminal Minds, the equally criminal Peter Andre's 60 Minute Makeover, Road Wars and Nothing to Declare, a documentary casting a wry glance into the genius of Oscar Wilde. Nah, only teasing. It's merely another tedious examination of a country's border security. In this case, Australia's.
155 - Really. Yes, really. A whole channel entirely devoted to real lives. This week alone you can watch The Sex Clinic, Dr G: Medical Examiner and I Fell For A Psychopath. That's a strange coincidence, me too.
156 - Lifetime. Where every programme genuinely lasts for one or at least seems as though it does. Wallow in the delights of the Shahs of Sunset about a group of Iranians living in Beverley Hills, Wives With Knives (nothing to do with cookery, unless penne au phallus is on the menu) and Dance Moms.
160 - Spike. Only launched in the Uk in April of this year following Viacom's acquisition of Channel 5, itself a beacon of high quality broadcasting. Its current output features Cowboy Builders and Police Interceptors Unleashed, presented by none other than hardman personified, Vinnie Jones. No doubt he's taking a well earned break from his frantic movie career.
176 - 5*. More TV treasures from the jewel in the commercial crown of the nation's fifth and final terrestrial network.
182 - BEN. Unfortunately this isn't, as you might have hoped for, devoted to the works of Sir Ben Kingsley, Ben Affleck, Ben Whishaw, Ben Stiller and a host of other celebrated Bens. It is instead aimed at expatriate Africans living in Europe.
184 - True Entertainment. Nothing beats it for reruns of The Waltons, Little House on the Prairie and any and all adaptations of books by Danielle Steel.
198 - truTV. Not to be confused with the above, this is tru without the E. (E! is already a station in its own right airing the much anticipated I am Cait about Caitlyn Jenner). Highlights, or lowlights to be strictly truthful, are Tattoo Nightmares: Miami, Fear Thy Neighbour and Dominick Dunne's Power, Privilege and Justice.
238 - Property TV. Everything you hate about the UK housing market, including estate agents and Sarah Beeny, all brought to the small screen sitting in the corner of your hideously overpriced and outrageously cramped ex-local authority flat.
242 - Discovery Shed. Every bit, and a little bit more besides, as boring as you could imagine. Total Fishing with Matt Hayes, Treehouse Masters, Wrecks to Riches and Carp Crew are among its livelier offering.
252 - ?TV. Let's face it, any channel with a punctuation mark as part of its title has immediately got to raise a few questions. Like why?
257- Fashion One. Never has there been a more vacuous, dumbed down station. It makes Living appear intellectually demanding. The schedule includes Model Workout, Model Yoga and Underwater Action where, you guessed it, perfectly toned young women in swimsuits compete to become professional underwater models.
522 - ID. Short for Investigation Discovery, lock the doors, switch on the security alarm, unchain the attack dog and sit back to nervously watch Homicide Hunter: Joe Kenda, Nightmare Next Door and Evil kin. 'Briiing-briiing'. Dear Lord! It's none other than recently released cousin Clive on the telephone.
553 - CI. From Death Row Dates (I'd stick to match.com if I were you) and 1,000 Ways to Die to A Town and Country Murder and I Killed My BBF, this is a channel that may give you ideas. The wrong ideas.
580 - God TV. Rain down on me with thunder, hail, fire and brimstone, but this is such dirge, I have a feeling that even the Almighty might be tuning in elsewhere. Probably Sky Sports 1, glued to the Premiership.
886 - Psychic Today. Oh come on, if you're in the slightest bit clairvoyant you hardly need me to tell you what's on this channel.
Incredibly, we now spend half of all our leisure time in front of the box.
Therefore, the government and other cultural naysayers can criticise it all they want, but hey, maybe the good old Beeb isn't so bad after all.Suggest a correction