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The Monarchy - Worth Every Penny of Your 70p?

21/04/2014 18:04 BST | Updated 16/06/2014 10:59 BST

The Queen is dead, long live the... president.

And who should this bastion of democracy be?

Richard Branson? Boris Johnson? Alan Sugar? Cheryl Cole-shortly to return as the nation's sweetheart?

How about Alan Bennett? "Pop round for a lovely fish and chip supper, Vladimir and we can discuss those Strategic Arms Limitations talks".

As much as the membership of Republic may dream of the day, it isn't going to happen. And certainly not any day soon. When Elizabeth 11 finally ascends to her great throne in the sky (the way she's going it could easily be another 10 or 15 years), Prince Charles will eventually become King.

Surely he's waited long enough. It's as if he's spent his whole life on the phone to an Indian (oh, the days of the Empire) call centre, only to constantly hear: "You are next in line'. Of course, he's next in line. He's been next in line for more years than he can remember. Every time 'mummy' takes to her bed with a chill, he must think to himself that this is finally it. Whenever she gets on a horse, and in the distance a Land Rover backfires, his heart must excitedly skip a beat.

Becoming Sovereign is his destiny. Just as it will be his son's and his grandson's.

Ah yes, the grandson. The very same highborn babe in arms who's currently helping to put the kibosh on Republicanism Down Under.

In the minds of those who oppose the monarchy, he's the Royal Family's very own Damien. They could well be right. Look at the way he stares at that dog and visa versa. It may only be a cocker spaniel instead of a rottweiler, but Lupo is obviously there to protect the future crowned head from those who wish him ill. Even the new nanny is called Borrallo- not exactly a million miles away from Mrs Baylock. The omens aren't good for the democratic movement with the prospect of gorgeous George around to reign. Or should that be rain on their parade?

Shortly, the debate about Britain's most pampered social security claimants will once again rage. Is the new series of Channel 4's Benefits Streets about to hit the screen? Forget James Turner Street, this time we're talking St James's Palace. White Bea (as in Princess Beatrice) undoubtably destined to become the new White Dee.

Unfortunately, the truth promises to be rather more mundane because June is when the royal annual report and accounts will be published. These will show, for instance, precisely how much the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge spent on the refurbishment of their five bedroom apartment at Kensington Palace. Chances are we'll discover that the happy couple never went to B & Q.

Despite calls for the Sovereign Grant, as the Civil List is now known, to be scrutinised even closer by H.M Treasury, it's an inescapable fact that the Windsors are hardly a huge burden on the humble UK taxpayer.

They cost each of us 70 pence a year. What can you buy for that? Not much more than the chocolate bar that helps you work, rest and play. Play, play and play in the case of the fun-loving Prince Harry.

Considering such a meagre amount of money, the whole family seem eminently good value. For the entertainment factor alone they're worth it. How boring would the news be without a royal story every now and then. Take Princess Anne recently calling for the gassing of the long-term unemployed and servants who can no longer pour a chisky without their hand shaking.

Ok, actually it was badgers, but we know what she really meant.

It could be argued that the £37.9 million ( for 2014-2015) be increased. Our pensioners shouldn't have to skimp and the Queen and her heir apparent are no different.

Bring back the Royal Yacht Britannia, that's what I say. And while we're at it, let's see Fergie return to the regal fold.

As for those who'd like to see David Beckham become President, well, there's always FIFA.