THE BLOG

There's No Joy in Middle Age

22/07/2014 16:21 BST | Updated 20/09/2014 10:59 BST

When you're 50 and above, there's a raft of conditions you're susceptible to.

If you're a man, these include prostate cancer, high blood pressure and heart failure. One in five have a fatal coronary before they're 75.

As if this wasn't cheery enough, there's impotence and erectile dysfunction to add to the equation. Once you couldn't keep it down. Now you can barely get it up without a helping hand (not that sort of helping hand) from Pele.

If you're a woman, the news is little better.

For a start, there's breast cancer, osteoporosis and the menopause. 'It's gettin' hot in here (so hot). So take off all your clothes and pop on a hormone replacement patch'.

And who couldn't fail to look forward to depression and urinary incontinence?

For both sexes, there's also alzheimer's and dementia, obesity, diabetes and strokes to worry about.

But if there's one condition above any of these that those of 50 plus are susceptible to, it's moaning.

Good grief, it's rife. Hardly what one would refer to as being plagued with positiveness. Once we've reached our half century, it would seem that we really do like to grumble and grouse. Compared to our youthful counterparts, we can't help ourselves. We're fast turning into a nation of miserable middle-aged moaners.

Naturally, we've always carped about the weather. That's a given in this country.

If it's not too cold, it's too warm.

If it's not too sunny, it's too cloudy.

If it's not too dry, it's too wet.

If it's not too blustery, it's not breezy enough.

Complaining, however, has gone beyond the merely climatic. It extends to all areas of human existence.

Here's a list of 10 additional things- there are many others- that are bound to have those of a certain age whinging and up in arms.

1- Immigration and how it's depriving British-born employees of work. Of course, this isn't true. Ironically though, one of the first things that immigrants, regardless of how old they are and where they come from, do moan about in the UK is the awful and unpredictable weather we have.

2- The NHS. Enough said.

3- The price of groceries and everyday essentials. The weekly shop has shot up almost 5% year-on-year. Admittedly, I was a tad surprised to see that the price of a single apple in Selfridge's Food Hall was now £1.70. Heaven forbid, if it continues spiralling upwards, some people will have to start shopping at Waitrose. Known in certain sectors of Mayfair as a Food bank.

4- The cost of gas and electricity. If they get much more expensive, it'll soon be cheaper to simply bugger off to Sandy Lane in Barbados for the winter.

5- The government. Mind you, it wouldn't matter who was in power, the majority still wouldn't be satisfied. Unless that is, the Tories decided to bring back hanging and flogging. Those in their less tolerant, Daily Mail-reading later years are jolly keen on capital punishment. Especially for those on benefits, who they can't stop sighing and raising their eyes about either.

6- Care home fees for their parents who are now in their 80s and are burning through their offspring's inheritance with the speed that Senokot goes through the average octogenarian constipated bowel. At this rate, they lament, they'll be nothing left with which to buy a second home in the Dordogne.

7- Dropping litter. If there's one thing they can't get off their high horse about, it's rubbish. Going back to point 5, they'd also willingly welcome the return of the lash for discarding cans and wrappers in public. Meanwhile, for dog owners, who let their dreadful mutts foul the pavement, they'd like to see them put in the stocks and pelted with fruit and veg. Just not at the price paid for it at Selfridge's Food Hall.

8- The rescheduling or, worse still, the cancelling of their favourite TV programmes to make way for an important news story or extra time in a football match. Frankly, nothing should interfere with an episode of Pointless.

9- Their jobs. They hate the hours. They hate the pay. They hate their ultimate superior- the fact that anyone could possibly be superior to them is a complete anathema.

10- Getting (even) older. The overriding bugbear the Saga generation despise is the ageing process. They can't abide the fact they're no longer the fine specimen they used to be and that in the not too distant future they'll actually be no more.

What will they moan about then?

Doubtless they'll find something. After all, in death as in life, nothing's perfect.