THE BLOG

Should We Be Thinking Outside the Box?

14/07/2014 16:25 BST | Updated 13/09/2014 10:59 BST

Forget about your regular, non-celebrity friends and acquaintances, you really must catch up with Kiefer Sutherland. It's been ages since you last saw him.

And now he's in London, well, you've got the perfect excuse. Mind you, he's only here for 24 hours. (That's the difficulty with him. He's only ever anywhere for 24 hours. What is it with that man)?

Then he'll be off again. Probably back to LA. But then you know what these Hollywood stars are like. "Busy busy busy", as they say.

Come on, Kiefer, love. We all lead frantic lives. OK, you may have the world to save and terrorists to thwart. Alas, we've got the shopping to do, the kids to bath and put to bed, the dog to walk, the dinner to cook, the washing up to do and the basket of crumpled laundry to iron.

Frankly, it's a miracle any of us have got the opportunity to see the likes of Mr. Sutherland. Not to mention catching up with Tyra Banks (America's Next Top Model), Steve Buscemi (Boardwalk Empire), Danny Dyer (EastEnders), Gregg Wallace (Masterchef, Celebrity Masterchef' and Masterchef- The Professionals), Claire Danes (Homeland), Hugh Bonneville (Downton Abbey), Seth MacFarlane (Family Guy) and Doctor Christian Jensen (Embarrassing Bodies). After viewing this modern day equivalent of a circus freak show- don't watch it on a full stomach- somehow your slightly misshapen belly button no longer seems such a concern. Are people so desperate for TV exposure these days that they're willing to have the nation witness their prolapsed vagina or acute piles?

Just imagine being in a crowded branch of Starbucks a short while later, only to have some insensitive passer-by screams out: "Weren't you the one with the floppy fanny?"

The sad fact is that there's never been more TV programmes. There's never been more TV channels. There's never been more ways to watch TV, including catch up, on demand and live streaming via your phone. And, of course, there's never been more TV reviewers.

Selfishly risking type 2 diabetes by sitting on their backsides in front of the screen morning, noon and night, they tell us what we missed while we were doing stupid, trivial and far less important things such as trying to find 10 minutes to have sex in a half-hearted attempt to keep our personal relationships alive.

On the next occasion your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend accuses you of losing all connection in the bedroom (they're not referring to your broadband connection), maybe it's time to put down the ipad you're holding aloft and instead concentrate on the matter in hand. Surely the latest episode of Game Of Thrones can wait. Says who?

"Oh no, it's buffering". That's why you should have got Superfast WiFi.

For the telly addicts amongst us- we currently watch between four to six hours a day, which could amount to a staggering quarter of our lives-there's no better invention than Sky+ and Virgin's Tivo Box.

Both of these wonders of modern technology (Sky's latest 2TB version can store a whopping 350 hours of HD quality TV and almost 1200 of hours of normal TV) allow you to record your favourite shows and series to watch at a later date when you've got the time to spare.

The only dilemma is that this time never comes. As the unwatched programmes you've saved gradually mount up, you realise that you only have 5% of space left.

This leaves you with the excruciating predicament of what to delete.

Delete, delete, delete. Good God! did someone mention delete? The word's not in your vocabulary, is it?

Obviously, you can't delete a single thing. What, not even All Star Mr & Mrs, Posh Pawn (unfortunately not spelt incorrectly), Storage Wars and the Miss Marple episode- 'A Pocketful of Rye'-that you've already seen five times before? Definitely not Storage Wars. "Please, anything but Storage Wars, you hear yourself cry.

Now, however, is the moment to be brutal. It's like going through your wardrobe and throwing away clothes you haven't worn for years and you know you're never going to wear again.

Think of Fifteen to One as that grotesque faux Pucci top. Think of David Dickinson's Real Deal as that reversible brown leather men's bomber with purple-dyed rabbit's fur. Think of A League of Their Own as that luminous shell suit.

As your finger hovers over the yellow button on your remote, don't for one single second consider going back on your momentous decision. Go ahead, press it.

Suddenly your box's capacity has climbed all the way back up to 12%. Well done.

This is only the beginning though. You've got a long way to go before you can successfully free yourself from the tyranny of television in all its different and evil guises.

Before that, you've still got to watch those 36 episodes of Cake Boss you recorded on TLC. (Sky channel 200).