I don't want to alarm you, but I'm in the early stages of... MAN FLU!
Come back, don't run away or switch your browser/tab thingy. You are fine. I am not contagious... yet.
At this time of the year, man flu becomes endemic. If you're a gentleman, then be careful out there. You have probably been through this before so prepare for the inevitable worst.
Like childbirth, it is a very painful experience that is gender-related. That being said, in the subject of fairness, women get to eat whatever they want when they are pregnant, men don't during man flu, so perhaps man flu is technically more painful. It's just a theory...
It seems to me that there is a gross misunderstanding about man flu (or 'sniffus diablos'). I noticed this recently when my girlfriend told me to "stop leaving snotty tissues everywhere" and "shut up, you moaning old woman". I think it's time to clear up any misconceptions.
MAN FLU: THE FACTS
In celebration I may go wrestle a lion... because I'm a man.
(Note: The author would like to apologise to all women, everywhere.)
Follow Philip Hepple on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DoctorMysterio