I don't want to alarm you, but I'm in the early stages of... MAN FLU!

Come back, don't run away or switch your browser/tab thingy. You are fine. I am not contagious... yet.

At this time of the year, man flu becomes endemic. If you're a gentleman, then be careful out there. You have probably been through this before so prepare for the inevitable worst.

Like childbirth, it is a very painful experience that is gender-related. That being said, in the subject of fairness, women get to eat whatever they want when they are pregnant, men don't during man flu, so perhaps man flu is technically more painful. It's just a theory...

It seems to me that there is a gross misunderstanding about man flu (or 'sniffus diablos'). I noticed this recently when my girlfriend told me to "stop leaving snotty tissues everywhere" and "shut up, you moaning old woman". I think it's time to clear up any misconceptions.

MAN FLU: THE FACTS

• Man flu, in scientific terms, is an attack of a man's immune system so intense that it leads to temporary lethargy and increased bellyaching.

• The first recorded instance of man flu was in the Book of Genesis, where Adam, after contracting man flu, was allowed back in the Garden of Eden by a sympathetic God.

• The first officially recorded man flu incidence was in 1215, when a rampaging Genghis Khan was waylaid by the dreaded virus, forcing him to postpone a much-anticipated pillaging for a few days. In those few days he accidently stumbled-upon a potion which we now refer to as Lemsip.

• Side effects caused by man flu include grouchiness, daytime TV viewing and the increased instances of 'duvet-on-the-couch' syndrome.

• As a rule, all members of the band Radiohead purposely contract man flu to put them in the required depressive mind-set to record their music.

• There is no cure for man flu.

In celebration I may go wrestle a lion... because I'm a man.

(Note: The author would like to apologise to all women, everywhere.)

Follow Philip Hepple on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DoctorMysterio