By Sam Smith
As I'm sure you've heard or seen projected on the side of a building, Kanye West's next solo album is titled Yeezus, which follows his beautiful, dark, wacky, indulgent, adjective, adjective, adjective fantasy in 2010. Now, we all know that Kanye is just a little bit cocky and could perhaps be accused of being a solipsist, but he seems to be comparing himself to Jesus with that album title. We've been wondering if Kanye has the potential to follow up this lofty claim and have decided to actually compare them and see who comes out on top.
(Full disclosure: The information for these comparisons comes from the Bible and the media, both equally contentious sources, but really it's all we have to go on.)
Jesus was a bit of a magician, to put it lightly. He could do some pretty cool miracles, like turning water into wine and feeding 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fishes. When he wasn't being a guest on Come Dine With Me, Jesus had some more flashy miracles up his sleeves. He could walk on water, heal the sick and could come back from the dead. He was like a human cheat cartridge for the PS2.
Kanye only has a few miracles to his name, and they are all to do with being unable to die. After proclaiming that George Bush "doesn't care about black people" on live TV in 2005, you might expect Kanye to have been dealt with by the CIA, but he somehow survived. He also avoided being frozen solid and smashed to pieces by Taylor Swift's icy glare at the VMAs in 2009.
It's a tough choice, but we have to give this round to Jesus. He had more miracles in total, and having infinite lives is cooler than having infinite health.
Jesus was a popular man back in the day. He had 12 followers, whom he called his disciples. There was Peter, Andrew, James, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James (two), Simon, Judas (the good one) and Judas (the bad one). They all wrote things about how much they loved Jesus and what he taught them.
Kanye, at the time of publication, has 9,595,242 followers on Twitter. I would list all of their names too, but this article has a word limit I'm not allowed to go over. Similar to the 12 Disciples, these followers write about how much they love Kanye on a daily basis, quoting his lyrics like "So if the devil wear Prada, Adam/Eve wear nada, I'm in between but way more fresher".
This round is a pure numbers game, and Kayne's Twitter account trumps Jesus' Disciples. Even if we add Jesus's Twitter account, which has 562,570 followers, he still wouldn't be able to beat Kanye.
There have been scattered reports of Jesus writing bits and pieces, like a letter to King Abgar and some words in the sand. Other than that, Jesus didn't really write that much. People wrote about him, though. One of the world's most popular books was all about his adventures, but it wasn't actually written by him.
Yeezus will be Kanye's sixth solo record. Last year he released a collaboration album with his label mates at G.O.O.D. music, and in 2011 he released Watch The Throne with Jay-Z. He's also produces numerous tracks for other artists and has his own line of clothing. He's authored books about his tours and directed his own music videos. Kanye has his fingers in many creative pies.
Round three goes to Kanye for his impressive portfolio.
Many people claim that Jesus didn't exist because the miracles he performed were all scientifically impossible. Investigations into his existence have proved that there was someone alive around the time called Jesus making quite a stir, but many people deny this is concrete evidence.
Kanye is a real, live, physical person, but can anyone really be that egotistical? Countless outlets have argued that Kanye West is just a persona he puts up to get attention. Away from the cameras and microphones, the real Kanye West probably enjoys reading short fiction and playing Animal Crossing. The Kanye West we all see could be completely fake.
The jury is out on both sides for this one. Either one could be real or a myth. Let's call it a tie.
There you have it folks. Kanye West does have what it takes to call himself something similar to Jesus. The real test is to see if people are talking about Kanye in 2,000 years. Honestly though, instead of competing, these two should do a sick collaboration album together. Yeezus and Jesus. Look for it in 2015.Suggest a correction