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No Matthew Hussey, We Don't Have To Be Polite And Playful To Flaky Dates

14/07/2017 16:42 BST | Updated 14/07/2017 16:42 BST

I read an article on Matthew Hussey in The Times at the weekend. You can read it here. Matthew Hussey has helped thousands of people, but his responses to texts sent by flaky daters is dire.

Language is powerful, and choice of words is important. Here's one example from Matthew Hussey's suggested reply to a booty call, when the other person hadn't show up for a date that was arranged. He suggested (my bolding):

"I thought we were catching up at a more reasonable hour. But since I didn't hear from you I assumed you were having a flaky moment ;)"

This is just weak. Seriously, just tell him standing you up is unacceptable, and move on to someone who will actually turn up.

Let's look at the reply in more detail. Everything Hussey has suggested minimises any fault on the man's part.

"I thought" - implying she is not sure of what's going on here. Maybe there wasn't any date arranged. And she just got confused. Poor dear.

"Catching up" - Oh! It wasn't even a date anyway.

"I assumed" - If you assume something, you don't KNOW. She is giving away her authority to be angry at being stood up. You didn't assume he was flaky for standing you up, he IS being damn flaky, lady!

"Having a flaky moment" - this absolves him of being a flaky person who stands people up. Just a great guy having a flaky moment. No! Stick to your guns. You are allowed to say to someone that they are flaky, and you don't want to date people who flake out on you.

";)" Just in case you felt you were being too assertive by absolving him of any responsibility to turn up to a prearranged date (that may not have even been a date), make sure he knows that he can stand you up anytime he likes by finishing your response with a wink, so he that can take any last shred of assertiveness on your part firmly tongue in cheek.

Let's look at the rest of Hussey's scenarios.

1) "The Validate Me Text"

When someone who hasn't been making any effort sends a 'miss you' text. Hussey says reply with "Ah that's so sweet, thank you" and a smiley face. He says that you should accept the message, be sweet and humble with it, but not reply 'miss you' back.

Excuse me, but sweet and humble? SWEET AND HUMBLE?! No, be confident, strong and not willing to take any online dating crap. This person has been ignoring you. There is no need to reply to something like this.

2) "The Back from the Dead Text"

Hussey says this is when someone goes off the radar and weeks later pops up again with "I've been thinking about you". Hussey's reply is "Well, duh!". He says "It's certain, it's confident, and most importantly, it's cheeky. It teases him and puts the woman in the position of controlling his emotions... instead of the other way around."

Why assume that the woman would want them! This behaviour is a massive red flag.

It's not important to be cheeky and tease someone who vanished. Playfulness isn't a great response to bad dating behaviour.

3) "The Entertain Me Text"

This, Hussey says, is when a man simply sends a "Hey". He advises women send the same back. So far so good eh! But no. A woman is required to send a 'Hey!' with passion (a.k.a. an exclamation mark), to show she is excited about life and then let him take the lead.

Why should she advertise her passion and excitement to someone who couldn't send a message with more than 3 letters?

Seriously, do not fall for this shit. Take the lead and communicate if you want to. Don't feel like you have to make yourself look an appealing prospect before waiting for them to take the lead.

4) "The 11pm Text"

As above. Also, In Hussey's advice, he includes a ;) to show that even when a woman sets out her expected behaviour (in this case calling at a more reasonable hour), she can still be playful with it and not aggressive.

Saying that "I thought we were catching up at a more reasonable hour" cannot be interpreted as aggressive by any stretch of the imagination. You don't have to negate your assertiveness with emoticons. You can say "Don't call or text after 11 because I will be asleep" without it sounding aggressive. And without having to couch it in twee shit.

5) "The I'm So Busy Text"

Hussey says this someone who texts sporadically, with apologies for being busy and work/slow at texting. Reply "All good! Have a great week :)" Hussey says. "This message is positive, happy, polite - but low investment. This will scramble his brain..."

It's a good response, if you want to keep seeing them. Do you? You are not a priority. It might be genuine, but if it a regular occurrence, it's probably a lack of interest in pursing a relationship.

The common theme running through Hussey's responses is that no matter what behaviour the flaky texter throws at the textee, they should be polite, playful, happy, positive. If you want to try to engage the flakes in conversation they yes of course be happy and playful - but again, why would you? You are worth more than this and Hussey should say so.

To attract people in online dating, the qualities Hussey is so fond of are powerful and magnetic, but save them for people who are worth your time and energy

This blog is also on my website Love Doctor UK.