December, a glorious season of relentless drinking, eating, partying and recovering.
January, an unsettling period signalling the end of Xmas jumpers, office cheer and tarted up trees indoors.
Yes, the ushering in of a brand new year marks a dramatic and instant change on our social media timelines. Our feeds overwhelmed with proclamations of new beginnings and #NewYear #NewMe power mantras. For this is the time of The Resolution, an annual event that peels our friends-list out of their well worn onesies, like a chrysalis to a butterfly.
But be warned, as you are about to bear witness to the very worst offenders of the #NewMe tradition, those who will be sure to let you know exactly what the New Year means to them...
The One Doing Dry January
After seemingly endless festive drinks, we have certainly indulged in the odd Christmas spirit, even if just to get through the occasion. But this friend who only a short while ago was hurling into a gutter as the clock struck midnight, is now quite suddenly an alcohol free individual and boy aren't they smug about it!
On surviving the first weekend (who even goes out in January anyway?), they act faux surprised at their extraordinary willpower, by steering clear of the devil's juice for one whole month. Expect to see the following:
- A tot up of how many days they've now been sober - someone call Alcoholics Anonymous.
- Close up snaps of virgin mocktails - because who needs vodka when you can have soda water and a celery stick on ice?
- Reminders of just how much they're saving by sacking off that all day drinking session down the local.
The One On A Health Kick
Having not entered a fitness establishment since February, this friend is keen to take advantage of the (really rather good value) annual membership at the local gym. Life has just been revolutionised by the concept of exercising indoors, whilst simultaneously catching up on the latest episode of Corrie on the Power Plates.
Constantly "in training", expect to see the following:
- Snaps of #yummy #protein #shakes, an alarming shade of brown.
- Live synched running routes of their nearest park (handy for stalkers) and a definitive playlist to get them buzzing.
- Enthusiastic expressions of just how Zen they're feeling at a yoga class whilst mid-plank - how are you even typing?
The One Embarking On An Adventure
The dream job isn't all it's cracked up to be, which this friend realised as they left the office at eleven, at night, on Christmas Eve.
So it's time to utilise all those unused holiday days and book an epic adventure overseas, all in aid of a good cause. Expect to see the following:
- Shout outs to friends with pockets deep enough to pledge to their charity of choice (only £1397.42 to go!) You finally succumb to sponsorship guilt, scraping together your last tenner to help fund what is arguably a holiday, just so you can be included in their next status tag.
- Regular updates on the departure day let you know when this intrepid explorer is at the taxi rank, bag drop and finally customs, until they're searched by an official after their selfie stick is mistaken for a weapon (have you ever even left the country?)
- Then all will lay quiet as they lose signal halfway up a mountain, until the eventual upload of a beaming victory pic on top of said mountain. Sporting a brand new look made up of a layering of pashminas and a not-so-city chic pair of walking boots.
The One Who Got Engaged
It was the best Christmas ever for this friend who said YES, with a proposal scheduled somewhere between Midnight Mass and the Queen's Speech. Hashtag blessed.
But brace yourself, for this new beginning is the longest of them all, as every detail of wedding planning is going to be discussed, dissected and documented amongst their online social circle from now until the first dance (548 days approx.) Expect to see the following:
- The Wedding Scrapbook - From flowers to favours, balloons to booze, this friend will be sure to let you know exactly where "we" are in the matrimonial mission.
- Just enough snaps of the hen party to show that it was a hoot, but not enough to reveal the bride rather too enthusiastically licking whipped cream off the barman.
- The Test Photo Shoot - Here the happy couple in artistic B&W, get used to their moment in front of the camera. Providing us with a glimpse of what is to yet to come of 'THE BIG DAY' - more photos (all 748 of them).
The One Struggling To Remain Positive
Starting off with great intentions, this friend set ambitious goals in an effort to turn over a new leaf. But as they reluctantly head back to work, it's a struggle to keep up that initial motivation. Expect to see the following:
- Non Statuses - which really express nothing and yet something and surely if you were a true friend you would know exactly what they mean wouldn't you?!
- Standard templates include "Wish this day was over" and "Why do I even bother?"
- Followed by an onslaught of support via well-meaning friends, with "Cheer up hon" and "What's happened?", which will ultimately be ignored, resulting in an awkward virtual silence for those who said something and those who didn't.
So, by all means make resolutions, set yourself challenges and strive to be a better person. But please save yourself (and us) the awkwardness by doing it offline, so if it all goes t*ts up your friends are none the wiser and we can all carry on as normal.
New Year? New Me? Nah...Suggest a correction