There’s that old saying that goes, “you’ve got to take the rough with the smooth” - and it couldn’t be anymore fitting than when applied to Christmas music. For every classic; there’s ten terrible records to boot. Here’s a list of ten that are best avoided, for everyone’s sakes.
10) The Cheeky Girls - Boys and Girls (Xmas Time Love)
People bought this record. Actually spent their hard earned money on it. Jesus wept.
9) I Believe - Robson And Jerome
Giving these two a recording career was one of Simon Cowell’s cruelest tricks to date.
8) The Jackson 5 - Frosty The Snowman
The Jackson 5 were the darlings of Motown; but this Christmas effort is a cash-cow too far and blot on their otherwise impeccable record.
7) The Darkness - Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)
A terrible band performing a terrible song containing a terrible pun. The only bell ends I’m aware of are signing this song.
6) My Grown Up Christmas Wish List - Michael Buble
A man who has almost single-handedly attempted to hijack Christmas for his own. Releasing the same collection of bastardised Christmas classics two years running, it’s going to be another year of Buble suffocation.
5) Cliff Richard - Mistletoe and Wine
Cliff Richard is cryogenically frozen for the majority of the year; only coming out to bore us for Christmas and WImbledon.
4) Alexandra Burke - Hallelujah
A cover version too far for Leonard Cohen’s epic; a candle-laden pastiche of the late Jeff Buckley;s seminal cover.
3) Stay Another Day - East 17
I genuinely don’t know how or why this has stood the test of time. Answers on a postcard please, I’m baffled.
2) Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want - Slow Moving Millie
If Morrissey and Johnny Marr were to get what they wanted than Millie’s already slow movements would come to a stop. Unsurprising included on a John Lewis Christmas advert; the department stores festive efforts have been steadily going downhill since Ellie Goulding’s cover of Your Song.
1) Do They Know It's Christmas? - Band Aid 20
They didn’t know it was Christmas time in 1984, and they still don’t 20 years later. Busted, Jamelia, Travis and Dido are hardly the same calibre of artist that they included the last time around are they?