THE BLOG

How To Be A Good Guy On Social Media

01/12/2015 18:25 GMT | Updated 01/12/2016 10:12 GMT

If someone does a good deed but doesn't talk about it on social media, did it really happen? The answer is no!. Everyone likes a hero, but in today's climate there is nothing nobler than being a social media hero. The beauty of being a social media hero is that you can completely fabricate stories and earn brownie points for them online.

Sure, saving a young Muslim lady from a gang of racists late at night in a dangerous park is very cool, but it's also very dangerous. Why not just make it up? You get the full glory whilst taking none of the risks and If anyone questions you, they are what we call a 'hater', who is, in 'reality' someone who has a different perspective to you, but online they are the lowest form of life, a jealous and bitter person who wants all your online kudos.

As an all round Facebook good guy, I know what it takes to come across as a really good person online. My profile picture is what appears to be me about to feed a squirrel a nut by the river, I hate squirrels and after the picture was taken I threw the nut into the Thames. Whether that may be considered right or wrong in that ancient device we call 'reality' is irrelevant, that hungry squirrel got me 58 likes and 14 very complimentary comments, my favorite of which was 'Awww how cute' from a hot girl I know intimately but have only met once.

Having a disarming picture is essential and makes everything you do online a little less creepy. I.E liking a girl's travelling pictures from five years ago is a lot less creepy with an innocent picture behind it. A man feeding a squirrel cannot be a stalky pervert, even if he has clearly spent three hours time travelling 5 years through your pictures at 3 am.

Being a Facebook good guy isn't just about cute pictures. You have to back this up with an online persona, true or false. Whether you voted Tory, UKIP or Kanye West in the general election, online you are staunch, lifelong leftie.

We are all lefties, and being an online leftie is a great way of redeeming yourself for bad things you have done in 'real life'. The other day a tramp asked me for money and I walked past him, any guilt I had for not helping this man in need completely washed away, when barely five seconds down the road, I pulled out my shiny I Phone 6 and shared a pro Jeremy Corbyn article on Facebook.

As a Facebook good guy you should team up with your own on what I call 'The Facebook every men'. These idiots don't follow trend and get themselves in hot water by speaking their minds without consulting the status quo. They should be ridiculed and then blocked. When they are blocked make sure you denounce them as racist, sexist or any of the phobic's. Always post a status announcing that you have blocked them, it show's that you don't tolerate bad people and furthers your credentials as an all round Facebook good guy.

Remember that you are not alone and the Internet is teaming with thousands of online good guys. The secret brotherhood has existed since the ancient days of Bebo and MSN.

Like all secret societies we have a signal or online handshake created to discover each other. The trick is to like, unlike and then like another good guys status. If they repeat the action on your status then you know you are amongst your own.

Team up and then get fucking sanctimonious together, but never argue with each other. Cecil the Lion (Our spirit animal and secret crest) didn't die for us to fall out and somewhere up there in cyber heaven, he is smiling down on us as we progress, one self-righteous post at a time.

When our lives are over and our Facebook news feed flashes before our eyes, we will stand proud in cyber purgatory as Steve Jobs checks our social media accounts to decide whether we go to heaven or hell, knowing full well that we will all be joining Cecil, in a promised land full of likes and shares, a land where everything has a filter.

As an online hero, you have a duty to ridicule this article, start by slamming it for being aimed at men and therefore sexist and completely ignore the fact that it's designed to be tongue in cheek. Make sure you like every negative comment posted about it. I won't take it personally; just keep being a bloody good bloke online. The safe and effortless, modern form of heroism. RIP Cecil The Lion.