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An Open Letter to You, From All Dissatisfied Women

28/10/2015 15:31 | Updated 28 October 2015
  • Rhianna Kemi Cambridge University graduate, currently living in New York and working at the UN

Recently my ex-boyfriend wrote an article entitled "Why I don't go down on girls". Naturally my heart sank, a common experience for anyone who was once in a relationship with a writer from the Tab.

After reading the first few paragraphs, the confusion begun. He claimed that after finally finding someone, he "never went down on her". This girl is me. Following our relationship, he falls into a state of anxiety - "What if I never went down on a girl? What would happen to me if I didn't become an outstanding giver of head?" The story ends with his going down for the first (and last) time, traumatised as she "ejaculated all over my face".

Alright, OK. One point to get out the way: the facts are simply not true. I can safely confirm that he went down on me several times during our relationship. In fact, he would ask to go down and I would often politely decline.

Why did I say no? Because, to be honest, it just didn't feel that good. At first I thought that it was my fault. When I was 14, I read The Time Traveler's Wife which features a distinctly graphic and beautiful scene describing Clare receiving oral sex for the first time. It sounded overwhelmingly good; I waited for a long time and when the moment finally happened, I felt less pleasured and more awkward. It's taken many conversations with friends to realise that this is a common experience. It isn't our fault. Going down on a woman is difficult. It is an art, my friends. I highly doubt that you can make a girl come using your tongue the first time you try it. I've seen porn and trust me, it really isn't as easy as they make it look to make a girl "arch and shiver".

This was actually a tension in our relationship. I didn't enjoy him licking me out and he couldn't understand why. The problem was that I felt too aware of myself and my surroundings. I felt too aware of the head at my hips. You can't just place your tongue 'down there' and expect magic to happen, as films and porn have led us to believe. A lot of it is in the mind. To use your tongue to make a girl scream, you've got to make her forget herself. It's gotta go pitch black in her thoughts, it's gotta be warm and hard and complemented with your running fingers soft against her thigh, her lips. She needs to forget that you are even down there, because she is in her own world and it's great. We can be self-conscious - does it smell? should I shave? - but in that moment, she won't care. She'll grab your hair, she'll squeeze you, she'll cry out. You'll love it.

But it takes time and practice on your part. It will be frustrating. We're all about the quick wins in this generation, but you've got to take it slow. You've got to talk about it and learn from each other. You've got to warm her right up, before heading downstairs. Otherwise it will, to be honest, feel like the tongue of a wet dog lapping it up whilst we sigh, look up at the ceiling and think about the next episode of Scandal.

So really, when I hear guys say that they "don't go down on girls", all I hear is fear. The real reason you don't want to go down anymore isn't because you made a girl come and it was unpleasant. It's because you are scared of the awkward silence of the girl who isn't enjoying it. That's okay, but give us a break. Damn, I'm tired of guys who refuse to try. Put the effort in and give us our time to enjoy ourselves. If licking out is gross for you, you are doing it wrong. And this time babe, it is not about you. You have a large platform and you chose to rehearse the same tired story: it's gross, don't bother. So let's change the conversation. Let's learn to make the girl forget herself.

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